I need to get some shit out. I had typed for an hour and a half, but then my dad has to go and call telling me to do a bunch of shit on my comp...all of which vapor locked it, and I lost it all. He got off the phone when he realized...he ran away.

Well, I'm only gonna do part of the entry over, then I am gonna go off on a separate tangent.

ok..Let's dare to compare.

THIS is who I fell in love with. It shows many aspects of her that always made me melt. She has a loving side that could talk me into anything.

Now, let's have a look at the exact same person on drugs...

"1st Feb 2005,Tues - 3:07 p.m.(GMT)

welp, shit really hit the fan and hell im paying for it some, i just don't get it, why amber has to string this along, fabricate shit and make me look like a proper moron, she's playin dirty and i didn't want it to get so shitty but i can play dirtier, im already locked out of old diarys and fings cos of her and her fucking revengevul 10yr old ways.
mar's been real upset and it's just breaking my heart, it feels like nothing i can say can or will make this situation any better, i know that if it doesn't all get sorted out between the 3 of us somebodys gonna be going down tonite and it ain't char or i.
i can be decent and cival, and i wanted to be but i can't sit back and take all the crap that one person has created, it makes my fucking blood want to fucking explode out of it's viens.
oh sah, i fucking hate this shit i just want it to be as it was, before yesterday morning, before i decided to pick up the fone....just before.
time machine anyone?
well seen as this is new, hence the name (i was sixxsixxsixx) i thought it should start wiv a bang.
fuck dis. time to go schmoke and i need to get rid of this stress b4 i throw up on the keyboard! ugh
but im gonna make this all work out, i've got a bug up my arse."

Now then, if you dare to compare, you can see the drugs talking. I know this woman better than any person on the planet. For 5 years I have known her....in so many ways...mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was arranging shit on this end, for us to take a trip to B.C. for us to get married this summer. Even with the lies, hurt, and bullshit....when my head cleared, I realized she was all I needed to be happy in life.

Now then...that entry is from a new diary. She set it up, and sent me a pass to it. I went in, I read it, it rolled off of me like water on a seals back. It isn't her, it's drugs talking. I know that. I am not in denial, I just know her too well. That, and I heard her last night. It scared the fuck out of me. It was plain as day, and louder than usual. About 15 min later I heard 2 kids call. So I don't know wtf...but it was there. I heard them.

Now after seeing that, lets look at what I was sent a week ago.....

"Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 13:15:16 +0000 (GMT)
From: Slippery Chicken
Subject: Re: Dammit!
To: Jane Doe

sorry i missed you, i just got up and my mum i presume has pretty much been on here all day, if she didn't reply it's cos she uses the net and gets carried away downloading shit to her fone.
i had an i/v for work only fucking shelf stacking, u c i gotta do something, but i prob didn't get it i didn't exactly put the best effort into it.
i'm ok, just been havin proper early nights, ive been well tired, and of course as u know i don't always get the chance to be on here.
ok, so u wanted to call me, john will be here in about 5 mins so i won't be able to chat because it is beyound noisy and he always wants to chat away at my mum in the same room, but let me fink.....i actually have no idea when is a good time, sunday i'm out all day trying to find char a flat, flat hunting sux in hemel, their like fucking hostels and all wekk i'm always doing odd jobs here and there but and i know u may bitch but weds i get my dole money and i know apart from getting the money i won't be doing a fing, so let me call u sort of like 10am my time if thats ok, then u can call me. i know we'll have a fair bit of time to chat too then, i know i said today but i got up way late and john has just walked in the door, so thts my fault but i'll make it up to you, you have my word.
how r things with you?
i love you
jay

Now the difference is one was on the 22nd of jan, then a week later this shit exploded. Because I called. Why did I call? Because of THIS. I wasn't stalking, she has asked for help like that before. Infact the last time is HERE. I figured after that it was done. She called me up a few days before that stoned, and told me she was doing it. I flaked out really bad, and slashed myself up but good. This time hasn't even phased me really. It was expected. Hell, her being with char was expected too. She was loyal and trustworthy at one time, but the drugs took over. I'm just sad that we didn't get to smoke a bowl of good hardcore B.C. chronic together. She always said no. I never understood that. Am I considered better than that? Or does she just want to hide it from me? I dunno man.

But anyway...What about Jan.20th?

"Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 11:16:17 +0000 (GMT)
From: Slippery Chicken
Subject: Re: Crazy changes.
To: Jane Doe

first off let me say this, call me on sat if you can i will get on and tell you when, i've got an i/v today and ppl are always around so i can't use the phone and you think +10 or woteva is nothing, but you haven't been here it is fucking icy,freezing and unbearable-honest im not just saying that.
you may not trust a thing i say but i have no way of proving that to you. i do want to come and i do miss you and love you but the big prob is, i do nothing there except sit on my arse and to be honest i couldn't handle that day in day out, no that isn't me saying i don't wanna come that is me saying, i've gotta be allowed some freedom without you freaking on my head or making me feel like i'm "leaving you"....do u c wot im saying?
fuck it i've gotta go already-no, no bs there i want to finish this later but i will end this on this-
why would i want to say i wamted to come if i don't?
i love you
jay
"

Hmmmm....whats with that one huh? That looked to me like she misses me, and wants to come here. And then there was this on Sat. Jan.15th "Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2005 11:34:18 +0000 (GMT)
From: Slippery Chicken
Subject: Re: A pic of the seats
To: Jane Doe

ARE U ONLINE??????
they rock!!
"

And that became THIS.

Now, I have been called many things in the last few days. A prick, obsessed....yadda yadda yadda. But who is the prick in this situation? You see, I was informed, I backed off, I said I was done, and left it at that. I started to get emails, I just replied to them with the truth. Now I have a diary pass sent to me, and constant comments being made. Does someone have a problem with letting me go? Everytime I attempt to go off on my own, I get attacked harder. We are trying to get a rise out of me, but it won't come. No, I know her way too well. And there are too many signs being shown, and so many things. I won't bother pointing them out at this moment, as she will go out of her way to prove me wrong.

But know this.....

FUCK YOU "CLAIRE" I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE, LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE, AND AM THE ONLY PERSON THAT WILL EVER PUT UP WITH THE AMOUNT OF SHIT YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH, AND STILL BE ABLE TO SAY THAT SHE LOVES YOU. YOU THINK THIS WILL LAST? IF THE DRUGS WEREN'T THERE, YOU WOULDN'T BE THERE.

People see me as being an idiot, but I am not. They see me as being gullible, and being played by her. But not at all. I know her, who and what she is. I have known her since day one. I even know why she is doing this, and where it will end up.

Finish your playing baby, when it all comes crumbling down, I'll help you up. And I know that you know it. You know that I can forgive, and you know this isn't forever. I know where the pain is coming from, and I know why the anger is there. I know you better than you know yourself. Why did I stay through all the past shit? Because I understand you. And when I said to you on saturday that without the drugs you and she would have nothing in common, and you agreed, I knew your game.

I gave you ample opertunities to do that shit with me here, but you wouldn't. Perhaps you truly were happy, and didn't need it. I know you run, I know you are an escapist. That things become too much, so you do drugs to get away. But I also know that the drugs don't cover it all. Nothing does. You can spit venom all you like, I know you still love me, and are still in love with me, as I am you. But she has what you need right now, and I don't. So, take what you need. Get your fill, as I will mine. I know you think of me in the dark. I know you wonder about me, and wish for one of my meals. I know more than you realize. She will never know that depth with you. You know that too.
You always said "Us against Them". That will always stand true. The proof is in the fact you were taking from her what you need, but you wouldn't let me go, and you still won't. You don't need to attack me to try to get a rise out of me just to keep me around. I'll always be here. You of all ppl should know that babes. I'll still keep my distance, but will leave you your pass so you can check up on me still. I know you still need that. Just relax about all this. I'm not going anywhere, I'll still be here. In time I will hook up with someone new, but will always be here when you need me.
I have yet to break your trust, and you know that for a fact. I never will either. But freedom I will give you. I hand it over because I love you. Not because of threats, or screaming. But because you are my everything. Take your time, sort yourself out. Get better, just stay with the pot. Never go harder. When you are done, and want to hop a plane, I'll pick you up at the airport, and will take you home for chick tit bits, roast dinners, or mac.

You never lie to my dad, not when it concerns me. And I told him that tonight. You respect him to much, and see him like your father too. I know what you sent him. What you said. I know everything.

But my mom is still a stupid bitch. lol

No, you take your time. Try to relax and enjoy yourself. I know you will get fed up with the drugs, and will come out clean again. Just let me know when you need the help again, and we will go from there.

I do love you babes, I always have, and always will. Sorry about the bs in the last couple of entries, I was trying to be bitchy....but I am sure you saw right through me, as usual.

Now then....back to the attacks from england.

Like I can walk away from my soulmate that easily. I can give freedom, but I will always be here for the fall.

SKIT, IF YOU ARE STILL WATCHING, I LOVE YOU MY BOY! YOU ARE ON MY MIND EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, NO MATTER WHAT!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014