I was just shutting shit down, and checked my email one last time to see 2 emails from Jay. I started to answer them after I fired off a pic of the seats we have for Crue. While I was answering an email, I got a reply to that pic asking if I was online. I quickly fired up yahoo, and there she was. For the first time since mid Nov. In total I got 30 min to talk to her. Not alot at all, but more than I have had in months. It hurt because it was almost like talking to a stranger. I had so much to say, and no time to say it in. I asked a million questions, got some answers, had her beg me for pictures again, and shocked her..apparently.
"diskobiskuits [4:38:38 AM]: now, here i am, finally it only took me a month to get on here but fuck im here diskobiskuits [4:38:40 AM]: no shit ivy_tepes [4:39:00 AM]: Is there anything left anymore? ivy_tepes [4:39:11 AM]: Have you moved on? ivy_tepes [4:39:16 AM]: Should I? diskobiskuits [4:39:41 AM]: now are u asking me for 2 reasons. 1. because u wanna be wiv me or 2. u wanna know if i've moved on so u can go 2 someone else ivy_tepes [4:39:57 AM]: There is nobody else ivy_tepes [4:40:14 AM]: I have blown off chat. I can't handle any of it anymore diskobiskuits [4:40:43 AM]: i don't get it, you're hot shit, why ain't there no one else why ain't u caused infediality, i'm scum...i mean shit, where r the ppl that wanted u, im glad they're gone ivy_tepes [4:41:02 AM]: I blew them off ivy_tepes [4:41:09 AM]: I blew everyone off diskobiskuits [4:41:24 AM]: thats pretty nuts amb ivy_tepes [4:41:42 AM]: Ya well, I am quite a bit mental lately diskobiskuits [4:41:43 AM]: u need ppl when ure partners being a prick ivy_tepes [4:42:07 AM]: Well, no one compares to you, and all I did was compare them to you diskobiskuits [4:42:24 AM]: shit. i'm surprised u hold me so highly ivy_tepes [4:42:46 AM]: You are my everything. Just say the word and I'll let you go diskobiskuits [4:42:58 AM]: what, this is crazy ivy_tepes [4:43:27 AM]: I haven't talked to you online since Nov. I'm confused as to if you are here or not diskobiskuits [4:43:46 AM]: of course there is an us i'm just shit at it, i dunno what happend to me baCK IN dec but i know i still worry about things but they ain't preventing me from coming ivy_tepes [4:44:03 AM]: All I know, is that I need, want, and love you. No matter what shite you pull out there diskobiskuits [4:44:10 AM]: wow diskobiskuits [4:44:25 AM]: can't say i've been loved like that b4 ivy_tepes [4:44:37 AM]: Baby, I know you. I know you crack up there, and I try to do what I can to help you ivy_tepes [4:45:09 AM]: I understand you, and as scary as it seems, I do love you, even when you are a jackass diskobiskuits [4:45:28 AM]: i am just proper surprised ivy_tepes [4:45:43 AM]: You don't need to prove yourself to me. You just need to love me like only you did/do ivy_tepes [4:46:00 AM]: Why the suprise? ivy_tepes [4:46:14 AM]: I rode out drugs, women, lies. I'm still here ivy_tepes [4:46:32 AM]: Sometimes the minor things don't matter diskobiskuits [4:46:35 AM]: well, i mean after everything ive done and the fact i'm baREly ever around u still love me ivy_tepes [4:47:12 AM]: Well, love is love. After you not being around, and doing all you do...do you still love me? diskobiskuits [4:47:23 AM]: man i have always been faithful, those women have nothing to do with me and joey, fuck that was a big misunderstanding and now you're saying i'm fucking charzee diskobiskuits [4:47:28 AM]: yes ivy_tepes [4:48:01 AM]: I just have a lil green monster biting my ass because she is with you when I am sitting here alone day after day diskobiskuits [4:48:15 AM]: i understand that but she's just a m8 ivy_tepes [4:48:33 AM]: I know, but I struggle with it still. diskobiskuits [4:48:53 AM]: she's just a jackass thats all, a m8 and i know u fight with it but you'll c its ok ivy_tepes [4:48:56 AM]: my mind gets overriddern by the need to be in contact with you diskobiskuits [4:49:01 AM]: i know"
*sigh*
The conversation went until 5:16am mst/12:16pm gmt. I told her about me not eating, found out she can book a flight for �400 so I only need $750 US to get her here. I might be able to pull this off. She is worried about me, and told me to be careful....even though she knows I'm not stupid. I am to keep her upto date on what is going on with that. Then suddenly.....she was gone. The pain in my chest erupted into a searing pain that has me wishing for death. When she started looking for me online, I froze. I didn't know what to do for a moment. Then when I found her on yahoo by opening it to a pm....I didn't know what to say. Then everything spilled out, and then it was over. It was over too soon....way too soon. She said she would try to be one again another day, and that she should be able to get on. I miss her so fucking bad, that the pain has me in agony. I wanna cut my fucking heart out with the dagger in my hand, so that I never have to feel again. But $750 US....if the goddess works with me on this, I might be able to do it. I fucking hope I can. I fucking have to!
And now?
Now I am empty, in pain, and bawling like a child who was just smacked. Crying still sucks with a septum ring. I miss her so bad. I can't live without her. Hell....she is the only person on the planet that thinks I'm "hot". I almost believe it when she says it to me.
For the record. I now believe her about her denial of drug use. The person I spoke to today was the same old Jay...just with an underlying bit of depression. Ya, I can notice even that. I just "know" her. Much like she knows what to say to calm me down when I am mental and off on one.
I need to sleep now. I need to dream. I need to be with her somehow. So tonight I ask to dream about her, and to remember that dream. I ask the goddess to help me get her back. To reunite what was broken.
