What a shitty day. The anxiety is back. Yay! I should have taken an Ativan last night before I went to bed. Yet again I am having anxiety attacks in my sleep. It's like I sleep for hours, but I don't get rested. I didn't realise how bad I was until the vertigo, motion sickness, and MS burn hit me. There goes the eyesight in my right eye again too. I fucking hate this shit. Geez, and people wonder why I am depressed. If you always felt like shit, wouldn't you be?

So, in the last 24 hours I have met 2 new alters. The first one is "Bleach" he's 2 years old, and cute as hell. He was scared last night, so I put him to sleep. I was informed today that I prevented him from having nightmares last night. That made me glad. The one I met tonight is "Punky" he's only a year old, and was a bit freaked out at first. Then he realised that I was the one all the others were talking about inside, and he started to sing to me.

The alters have seriously been on the move today. Everyone is freaked. The are all scared about leaving me. I have been promised lots of pictures, and daily updates. They also say they will call me everyday to sing to me. My poor cuties. I have no idea what I am gonna do when they aren't here. I worry about them so much. All I have in life is my son, my girlfriend, and my kids. My son alone can keep me going during the day, but when he goes to sleep, I fall apart. This is going to be so hard. I have no idea how I am going to relax, and sleep without my baby here. She breathes life into me. I'm hoping being on here, and chatting with all the people I have met will fill some of the void, but it won't fill it all. I'm still scared that all the assholes out in England are gonna fuck with her. If it isn't assholes trying to tempt her with Heroin, it's her dad trying to fuck her over, or her moms guilt trips, and suicide threats. She doesn't need that shit. She needs to be here with her real family. Kristian was crying today. He doesn't want her to leave. It broke my heart to see him break down. Jay just grabbed him and halfheartedly put him in a headlock, then messed his hair saying that it will be okay, because she'll be back.

I already feel lost without her. Colors aren't as bright, funny things aren't funny, and when I smile, I start to cry. She is my lifeline, my soulmate, my air. I have no idea how I am going to be able to handle this. My mom told me today that she has thursday off. Thats a good thing. When my mom takes us to the airport she always cries her ass off over seeing Jay go, and will stick around to watch her plane take off. She is very understanding of my pain in letting her go. She puts up with me falling apart, and doesn't try to cheer me up. I hate it when people try to cheer me up when I am miserable. I like to ride it out on my own. My mom knows that, and just quietly comforts me. This time is gonna hurt really bad. The only thing keeping me going about this is the future. I am concentrating on the fact that when she gets back we to plan for halloween/Samhain. We always take Kristian out to trick or treat first....last year Jay dressed up as a zombie mummy, and people gave her candy thinking she was a kid. She's so small she can easily be mistaken as 13. Kristian loved it. They raced from house to house together. The alters even got in on it too, they loved every minute of it. Then after the "kids" all have filled up on candy, we go into the ravine by my moms, and we celebrate samhain in our own way. We leave offerings to Brandon. Those of you who have read my entire diary will know him. Those who don't...Brandon is Jays son. He died in 2000 of complications due to meningitis. His dad knew he was sick, dumped the boy on Jays doorstep, and that night Brandon died in his sleep in her bed. She went to check on him and found him cold and lifeless. I hate Matt for doing that to her. He then spent the last 2 years telling everyone that she killed her own son. Matt will eat a curb one day....after I sodomize him with a fucking chainsaw. But there is something else here. Matt had a child recently with his latest GF. The child recently died mysteriously. Jay told me that Matt insisted that Brandon should not have an autopsy so he never did. Jay right now is struggling with the thought of having her son exhumed so that she can get an autopsy done. It is killing her to think of it. The only good thing is that Jay is the only person who knows where he is buried. She had him buried in secret to keep everyone away from him. If they do an autopsy, maybe they will find that Matt has been offing kids. You see matt was abused by Jays dad, and his own dad. He never split though. Instead he just went mental, and severely abusive. Jay is covered in scars from what he did to her. The guy though that S&M meant he had a right to beat her and stab her. I'll kill him. She was pregnant once after Brandon, and Matt beat her until he killed the child inside her. She was 7-8 months pregnant. He deserves to die. I'll get him though....he is second on my hitlist....second only to the baby raper of course.

Speaking of the baby raper....I seem to have shut him up. After my threatening email to him, neither of us heard anything. Jay figured it was because he was really pissed off, or working on a really nasty reply. She got herself really worked up about them calling today. She thought they were gonna bitch her out because of what I said. They called.....and said nothing. She spoke to her dad 3 times, he never mentioned it. Infact, he was extremely nice to her. I do believe I scared him. Now I wonder.......was it the threat of fraudulent letters by him to customs and revenue canada? Or was it the threat of my having proof of his years of abuse to her? I guess I'll never know. It doesn't matter though. All that matters is that Jay is gonna be okay when she goes home. I think I just saw to that for sure.

Well, I'm off to bed, I have an appt in the morning.

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014