I've come to the conclusion that "Middle of Yesterday" by Our Lady Peace is the story of my life. It describes in detail every relationship I have ever been in. It seems that I always end up being the fuckup that destroys everything, and then begs for forgiveness. It even happens alot with Jay too. I just put it all down to the fact that I have been living in my own series of severe depressions for the last 20 years. My father writing me off so often in my life, has forced me into a program. I am programmed not to have close relationships because they will just end up leaving me anyway. I live in a world of fear of attatchment. I try alot, but when a certain closeness is reached, I seem to freak out, and push the other person away. I'm taking baby steps with Jay.....the only reason why I haven't launched her out of my life by now is the fact that she is literally obsessed with me. Some people would see her obsession as being bad, I need it. I have been fucked over too many times, and cheated on too many times. Jay was brought up in a really bad situation. She holds alot of shame over her body. Except with me. That says she will never cheat. I suppose one of the best and most anchoring parts of Jay is her MPD. The alters love me so much, that if anyone ever tried anything with her, they would attack, and nearly kill whoever it was. The kids hate everyone but me. No one is allowed near Jay in a romantic way. Not only does the thought of others disgust her, but my kids turn into my little warriors.

Now for something I found to be funny. There is a new alter. I knew she was coming out. I was warned by one of the boys. She did an update today in dogdays and she says her name is punky. She stole the name from one of the little boys. Her real name is Zippy. But she thinks her name is gay, so she is saying she is Punky. I'll set her straight about it when I meet her in person. I was warned by the boys, that she is gonna want to hang out with me all the time now. Thats okay though, I never mind the company of an alter.

I was talking to Jay the other day about how I seem to get along with alters more than people. We discussed how I feel about things. I'll explain....After living for 2 years with an MPD, and going through all the hell that you sometimes do with them, normal life starts to look trivial to you. I can sit and listen to someone go on and on about how they are soooo upset that "he spoke to another girl", or "she wants me around and I want to be out with my friends". It's just junior high bullshit to me. It's trivial. "My parents are divorcing" so what? Mine did when I was 7, the continuous emotional abuse from my dad since has me needing a fucking shrink now. But all of that is nothing......What do I hear when I hear the memories. "my birth mom wanted me dead, and dumped me in a trash bin", "my new dad beats me up and locks me in the bad room", "They had a party and everyone took turns raping me" This to me is something to care about. Everyone I know whines and complains....over what? Nothing! You think you have problems? The MPDs I speak to, and the Alters I speak to...they know problems. They know bitter reality. Everything else is minor and unimportant to me. Why whine about it?

I don't speak to Jay much about whats going on in my head. I explained all of this to her, and said that when I spoke to her I didn't want to sound like I was whining about my life. What does she say to me? "amber, your dad left when you were 7 years old, he has treated you like shit since, you have been raped how many times? You have had numerous assholes fuck you over....and personally the worst thing I could ever think of, is the fact that your ex moved a new girl into your apartment when you were 5 and a half months pregnant with his kid, and told you that you could move out. Then he fucked her in the next room...thats fucking bad". I guess she makes me see that maybe I'm not completely whining. I'm just tired of hearing how someone is depressed because their parents won't give them 5 bucks, so they can't go to that movie tonight. You know what I mean? Everything seems to be so trivial to me.

I am raising my son the best way that I can. He is always smiling, always singing. If he is punished it is never for more than 1 night. I always tell him that tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start. If I get mad or upset, Jay explains to him why, and shows him that sometimes it just happens with me. He is not kept in the dark about my MS. He has come to the hospital with me several times, and has seen what they do to me with steroid treatment. He infact has seen it so much, that he just chooses to stay home and play now. He knows I'll be ok, so he just says "see you later mommy".

My son acts 14 years old. If you are doing something he doesn't like, he gives you shit for it. If I ask him to clean his room, he makes it spotless. He is never annoying to us, and is always included in what we are doing. I guess my mom was a pretty good parent. She taught me acceptance, and how to stand up for what I believe in. I have taken the things that I liked about my mom raising me, and done those things for my son. The things I hated, I don't do. The things I wished would be done, I also do. I think out of a long line of fuck ups, my son might actually be okay. Thats a scary thought. I mean, he even likes school. I hated it, I still do. I don't like to HAVE to do things. It goes against who I am. Free spirit my ass, I'm just a cunt.

Well, that was my book of the day. I want to watch the boob tube with my byrd.

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014