It's like being drunk. You wake up the next morning, look at the last entry you did. and say "ugh!".

I hate my instability. It's literally driving me insane. I'm forever crashing mentally. they say to fight it off, and beat the depression. Well, what if you don't realise you are?

I don't want to go on drugs again.

Not yet.

*sigh*

I level out and get a whole lot more stable when Jay is here. Probably because I voice to her what is going on in me mentally, and she gives me immediate answers that stop my mind from cycling over and over in an endless loop of fear.

Jay makes me eat, makes me sleep, makes me get done what needs to be. She does what I need to carry on an almost normal life. Without her here....this is what happens. I cycle and crash, cycle and crash. I never reach a high or happy point. I stay rock bottom, and fall apart every so often, because I have to hide it all. From my son, my mom, my dad. Can't let anyone know that there is something wrong. Can never do that. It makes me feel worse. They give me guilt trips. My dad will cry, and my mom will go on about how shitty her life is, and how she is the one who should be upset.

Only Jay actually listens.

But what if you can't talk when you need to? What if you do swallow it. What if your depression is compounded by you being alone?

Then the loop starts again.

and again

and again

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014