I'm hot. I'm tired. I'm dizzy as hell. I just want to slip my wrists to stop the pain.

My mom is a fucking cunt! Why did I have to be cursed with unfeeling, uncaring assholes for parents. Jay walked off for 5 min to ourselves, when we came back my mom wouldn't speak to us. Then I ripped my heart out and stamped on it by letting her go. My last vision of her was her emptying her pockets, and taking off her belt, and the chain off her pants to go through the metal detector. Then she was gone.

She's gone. I can't deal.

I'm gonna try to get through this update, it's just really hard for me right now. I have been crying for 2 hours now. I feel like I am dying inside. I just want to go to bed, and sleep until she comes back.

So we leave her at the gate, and I look at my mom and say "this is killing me". The fucking bitch snapped at me! "YES! I KNOW! YOU KEEP TELLING ME!" and she stormed off on me. Then all I wanted was a pic of her plane taking off. It makes me feel better knowing I have the last look of her saved permanently. My mom fucked around, and I missed it. I fucking missed it. I couldn't believe how much she didn't care. All I wanted was one pic. She didn't fucking care! She wouldn't stop the car.

I fucking lost it. I'm still losing it. I can't deal. I can't fucking deal. It's not fucking fair! Why can't we just always be together? I don't understand.

So we are driving back into the city, and my mom decides to go into wally world to look for a Bey Blade for Kristian. I walked into walmart with tears streaming down my face. I don't fucking care what anyone thinks. I want to die! Fuck them if they can't handle seeing someone who is sad.

I close my eyes and I can see the tears welling up in her eyes right before she walked through the gate. It's burned into my memory. Oh god! I can't live without her.

I'm scared to move anything that she left laying around when she was packing. I can't touch it. She put it there. I feel so fucking empty. I wish my MS would fuck off for a day. I would get so fucking high right now, that I would be perma fried for a fucking week. But my MS makes my body reject it. I wish I was dead.

So we leave wally world, and we come home. My mom is singing along to the Queen cd that I brought with me....ask Jay, my moms singing pisses me off. I don't like the shrill hiss of what is her singing under her breath. Mix that with misery....I wanted to kill her.

When we walked out of wally world Jays plane was landing in Calgary. It's just after 4pm.....I wonder if she remembered to take her pill for her strep throat? I hope so. FUCK FUCK FUCXK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK !!!!!

I CAN'T FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS. Just let me fucking die. I don't want to feel this anymore.

I just left Satan downstairs to watch t.v. I can't deal with anything right now. I'll feed him Zoodles a little later, but he'll be happy. He has the t.v. to himself for the night. Thats all he ever wants anyway.

Well, I emailed Jays mom to tell her that Jay is on her way. I'm scared that something is gonna go wrong in Calgary. She has no way to call anyone. I hate myself for not getting a card. I'm so fucking stupid. She could have been talking to me right now, but instead she is alone in Calgary, and I am torn to shreds.

We did have a little fun before she went though. I got her on 2 ativan, and a shot of five flower formula (essences). In other words, she went on pretty stoned. When we were on the way back from having some time alone, we decided on a halloween costume. We are gonna be conjoined twins. We figured we could either duct tape our heads together, or her head to my ass.

Fuck! Now it really hurts. Her mom just emailed to tell me she got mine, and that she will have Jay call me tomorrow to say she got there ok. I swear, I am gonna move to the UK permanently so we never have to part again. I can't take this shit. You spend every day waking upto, and falling asleep with one person, and when that person is gone you feel hollow, empty, cold, and life just doesn't appeal anymore.

Fuck, I just realised I fucked up on the times for Jays pills. I told her mom to remind her, and I said one of the times wrong! FUCK! I'm so fucking useless!

I need to email my baby before I fucking off myself.

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014