I am in my own personal hell!

Have you ever felt like you are going to die? I do....infact I have been dying for weeks now. The anticipation of having to be alone is destroying me. As I write this Jay is sorting her stuff out. We are packing her suitcase tonight. We leave for the airport at 11am tomorrow. She is on a plane to Calgary at 2pm MST, then at 5:45 MST she is on a flight from Calgary to Gatwick in England. She will arrive in Gatwick at 9:10am GMT. That is 2:10 am here.

I feel like my heart is being crushed. I have extreme anxiety, and because of that I am dizzy and nauseous. I don't know how I am going to go through this again. If she takes a 15min walk to the store I miss her. She is flying halfway around the world....I can't deal.

I was sitting and watching t.v. with everyone tonight, and I felt like I was choking. The tears were trapped inside behind a mask of happiness, and I thought I was gonna choke to death. Now the tears just won't stop flowing. I can't handle the thought of not meing around her. We have been inseperable for nearly 2 years now. I am not ready to separate. I mean, whe have our fights...every couple does. We call ours clearing the air. We explode, then 10 min later we are fine. But no matter how bad things have ever managed to get, I am still lost without her. She hasn't even left yet, and I am in severe physical pain over the impending loss. The sadness has me gripped in a paralyzing amount of pain. I want to eat a bottle of ativan so I can sleep through the next few days. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I have 13 hours of silence from her. I can't handle the separation at all. I keep falling apart, and she holds me, but the feel of her there doesn't stop me from the reality that in 16 hours she will be ripped away from me for who knows how long.

I know she has to go, she has to leave the country, and her dads funeral is on monday, but still....it hurts. I just can't deal with it. It's killing me. I read other people going on about how they miss their lovers....well, Jay is my soul mate. We think the same thing at the same time, feel the same way about everything, and can't sleep unless we can feel the other person near. I have a severe depression when she is near me, when she isn't here I don't function. I will update only because she wants me to. I already just want to lay in bed staring at a wall. I don't know how I am gonna get through this. This is my personal hell. I can't survive without my baby byrd.

God, I have no idea how I am gonna be away from my kids. I need their affection to keep me sane. I gave them a notebook to fill with pictures of me, I just hope they do it. They promised me that they would update daily, and that they will call me to sing to me....but it's not the same. I mean, the night before last I met a little one named Valium who is sweet as anything, and last night I met puppy, a 1 year old. I got to watch him learn how to talk. Valium was teaching him. All he said to me for 15 min was "hi". It was so sweet. Usually they learn before they come out, but he wanted to see me, so he learned after he came out. My kids keep me grounded. They make me feel special, and I make them feel safe. I need them in my life as much as I need Jay. We are all a family. My son is even getting depressed because Jay is leaving.

I cooked a roast chicken dinner tonight. It was my goodbye meal for Jay. We had my mom over, and she stayed for a good 3 hours. She kept watching Jay and I interact with eachother, and a few times she almost started to cry. She hated seeing us have to separate. Since day one back in January of 2000 my mom told me that Jay and I were soulmates. She has stood by that ever since. She has seen us through hell and back, and still envies us for the love we have. She keeps saying that she hopes that she can one day have what we do. Complete love, and complete trust. My girl is everything to me.

I can barely breathe, and I feel ill. I better go. The anxiety attack has given me heartburn now. Why do we always have to go through this? It just isn't fair. I love her with everything I am, I need her in my life.

Without her I am nothing.

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014