Sresss head! I am a stress head! AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

So, my 7 yr old son has taken it upon himself to lecture me about my weight since saturday. I can think of a large assortment of words to describe how this makes me feel. But to sum it all up....like shit.

My father tried to pull some punches with me, and I shot him down quite harshly. He is now being distant to me again. Big shocking surprise. I'm not gonna take his shit anymore....not that it still doesn't sting a bit.

Then there is the asshole who would be my sons sperm donor, and the horror stories that satan has started telling us about staying at his dads place. I told some of it to my dad, and now he is pressuring me to get a social worker involved so that the visitation rights he has will be revoked. The cunt hasn't spoken to my son in almost a month and a half, so why stir it up? Satan doesn't want to see him, so I won't draw attention. But if he tries anything, yes I will get others involved.

awe fuck!

Well, the drugs have basically completely left my system now. I can feel the shadows closing in around me. The anger and frustration. The tears just under the surface....c;ose, but not close enough to come out. I hate depression. I just wish it would stop. Drugs make me sick, which fucks me even more. Sure, now physically I am a bit better....no more side effects. But, I'm not sleeping anymore. Ativan isn't even doing it for me. I am too high strung. I need to lighten up, to relax. I think my biggest problem is that I didn't get Reiki the other day. My body, and mind thrive on it. I guess I am just going to fall apart until I can afford it again. I have felt Reiki being sent to me though. I feel it flood me, and mellow me out. Then I piss out all of my water retention in about 2 hrs. It's nice when it happens. It stopped shortly after the time of month that I would have made my appt. I know who was sending it, and I know he is worried about me now. As soon as I have the money I will be running for it. I am losing my mind without it. It's funny how a simple energy therapy can create a dependancy. But it's a nice dependancy.

So here I sit.

I have put poor Jay through the ringer. I kinda feel sorry for her. I'm just so fucking unstable right now. I see my shrink on thursday, but what do I say? I never talk about what is bothering me most. I talk about all of the minor complaints I have. The whiny side of life. I just don't know why I won't talk about what is deep inside. I'll sit there wanting to scream....but instead I brush it all off, and just feed him whatever line I happen to come up with.

I do know one thing. I wish Jay was signed, and we were going into the studio for her to record. Just once I would like to hear my voice on tape. I think that would make or break me. If I was good, I would have a form of self satisfaction....and I would of course rub it in peoples faces, but at the same time, if I sucked...well....I would blame Jay for not doing enough production to hide my flaws. lol

I dunno, I need to change something. I am rearranging the apartment now. Washing walls and floors. I have decided to start collecting faeries, and am eventually going to box up all my witches. I only have about 150 of the damn things. But I need to bring positives into this place. I need a lift, a tuck, a blossom. I need fresh cut spring flowers everywhere. Not roses....tulips, daisys, calla lilies.....beautiful color everywhere. But alas....it all takes money, and that I have none of. Not yet anyway.

So, instead of all these positives that are out of reach, I sit here, infront of my comp, and I pout over what once was me. I wish I wasn't like this. I hope that I can have some sort of realisation, or break through in therapy.

Either that, or I am going to steal a bunch of money, and run off to Jasper for a few days. The mountains will do me good. I need wilderness.

hmmmm....maybe I will go see the beaver that live near here. Perhaps I will see the local fox family too.

Sometimes it is a relief to live in an unspoiled land like Canada. Wildlife everywhere. Trees everywhere, and all you hear is birds.

I hate my legs...I need to walk in the woods. Why do they have to be weak? Why do they always have to give out on me? Why am I cursed to be a fucking invalid when inside I am still running marathons.

I give up.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014