I am so lonely tonight. I can barely function.

I was a bit happier earlier....I was talking to Jay. But I had to force her to go to bed as she had been up for 37 hours. I was worried about her. She tried to argue that she wanted to talk to me, but sleep won out over all. So after she took a pic of herself, and put is up in her diary she finally went off to bed. I said goodnight, and have been lost since. The anxiety has kicked in yet again. I won't be able to settle until I can fall asleep feeling the weight of her arm across my lower back. She is my serenity...I am so lost without her.

I have been pacing my apartment for hours now. in about 15 min I have to record a show for her, but then I'll be back at pacing. I need to try to function. I'm gonna pop another ativan to sleep tonight. I have to. No matter how tired I am, everything is racing. I thought I was gonna be okay. I'm not. While I was talking to her I thought I could handle it. I can't. When I have contact with her I am ok...but as soon as that contact is lost, I am lost. I hate living like this.

This place is so quiet. My son is at my moms as usual. He goes there every weekend, which is nice because Jay and I have time together, but when she isn't here....it is what I envision hell to be like. My nerves are so shot that I have bitten all my nails to the point of my fingers bleeding. I can't cope. I have no idea how the hell I am gonna last a few more days of this. Time is just dragging on so fucking long. This really isn't good for someone who suffers from depression. Fuck! and Jay is worried that I am gonna go off of her. Ya ok....like I could ever imagine that happening. I need to remind myself to eat when she isn't here. I forget to eat. She whines about being hungry so I cook...thats when I eat. When she isn't here...there is no one to feed, so I go without. Thats just the way it is.

Oh ya! I must excuse us to everyone. Our guestbooks are getting pretty sappy. Normally we say these things in person, but seeing as the situation is what it is.....well....you get the point.

I really miss my kids. When I heard June nearly crying over the phone earlier it tore me apart. I am so lost without them. Jay is my love, and they are my hope. Their innocence catches onto me, and makes me want to live. Right now I am slipping into "why?". I hope they get back to me soon. I am goiing crazy without the whole lot of them. The kids did 2 updates in their diary for me. It made me happy to read them. I miss them so much. It's nice to know they feel the same.

Well, I better wrap this up. I have to go record KinK for Jay. She watches it with me like a good pet. I just wish she was here. Weekends are the hardest. I'm all alone and lost.

*sigh*

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014