So last night I'm in the bathroom doin the deed. You know....hedge cutters on the forest that was my legs.....when all of a sudden I hear "MUMMY!!!!" I nearly jumped out of my skin. I turn around, and there is Lickus....covered....and I mean COVERED in calamine lotion. I asked him what he was doing, and he said "I had an itch on my hand...but it come too fast." So, I handed him a rag, and set him to work cleaning up Jay, and the floor, and the cpmputer chair....and himself. *sigh*

Well, in 2 days I see my shrink. Yippie fucking skippy. I have such bad vertigo right now, the keyboard won't stay still. Getting from here to my shrinks office in one oiece should be fun. Then I see my Neurologist next monday. She will no doubt give me shit for everything about my health....I'll cry.....then I will walk out questioning why I bother. The next few days are gonna be hard as hell on me. I am not looking forward to it at all.

I'm clinging to Jay from a distance now. I don't want to smother her. It's kinda weird. I want to be wrapped in her constantly, but am fighting with not wanting to be touched. I think I just need a good sleep. I haven't been sleeping lately. I'm yet again stressing about financial things, my weight, my health, my mind, my relationship with my dad, my sons mental health, my girls carcinoid.....the list runs on forever. I just need to do something with my life that enables me to choose my own hours. If I get off my ass with these damn demo packs then perhaps that can happen.

The only thing I have ever wanted to really do with my life was to work in the music industry. I used to want to be infront, in my own band. But I realised about a year and a half ago that I prefer it behind the scenes. Jay gave me the offer of having me up front. As much as I would love it......how can I with my health? So, I have just agreed to record with her at some point, but she can be the star. I'll write with her, create with her, give her my opinions wether she likes it or not.....but I will always be in the shadows.

They are starting a new Canadian Idol....a take off from the american, and british one. Jay keeps saying I should try out for it. Yes, I know I have talent. I know I can sing. I know I could kick ass......but, I won't. Wouldn't it be lovely....me trying to sing and falling over because I have vertigo for the billionth time. I only wish. I'll stick to my byrd, and do the odd thing with her. Thats enough for me. I want to manage. I want debates, meetings, arguements, demands....cut throat shit. I love a good fight. I wanna slap a few record people for signing some of the people they did. I eventually want my own company. I'll do it one day.....just as soon as I can get my dad out of my system, and become my own person for the first time in my life.

Did I ever tell you that I want to go to University, and take Forensic Anthropology? I bet I didn't. Ya well.....my dad would tell me it was a waste of time and money. Before I typed that, Jay was the only one who knew. I also want to do Psychology. There is a whole world out there, and I am trapped here thinking about if my dad would approve of it.

I will get him out of my system if I have to kill myself to do it.

I want to be me.

If for just one moment in one day....

I want to be Amber.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014