Had a big long chat with JC earlier. We basically figured out that Jay might be FAS. Which would make alot of sense, but is harder to live with than MPD. FAS(fetal alcohol syndrome) is caused by a mother drinking while pregnant. Veronica was an alcoholic at the time of carrying Jay. So it all adds up.

Now I used to work in group homes, before I got sick with my MS. One of those group homes was ATP. And adolescent treatment program, it was for 12-18 yr olds with behavioral problems. We had our fair share of FAS kids in there, and they were a handful. They live by their rules, not by yours. They do things, and don't realise they are wrong, they can't understand whats wrong with their actions.....much like Jay right now. It's strange to sit back and think about it. If she was in Canada, they would have found it in her, in the UK she is just a troublemaker.

I had her behavior in check until about 2 years ago. Then she started to do her thing, and hurt me on almost a daily basis. I would cry, and she would get pissed at me and start yelling at me because she couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. She just couldn't comprehend it. I don't know why it took me so long to see it. Probably because I stopped making excuses for her now, and I am at the end of my rope.

I suppose there is only a certain amount of bullshit one person can take, and I have had enough bullshit to last me a lifetime. Perhaps this is me just making another excuse. The problem is, I already have a child, I don't need to be raising another one with him. One that I am supposed to be with. I wanted a relationship, not more fucking work. And people wonder why I am frustrated.

Parents who end up with a FAS kid usually just send the kid into the system, and forget about them. They "can't handle it" so they let the government take them. I can't just pass her off, as much as I would like to.

I have explained to her about 30 times now, that she stepped over the line this time, and hurt me really bad. In all those 30 times, she still doesn't get it. In about 5 min she is asking why again. Or arguing with me about it. Or denying it. Or just getting angry and threatening me. This is what has kinda tipped me off to the possibility. This is what has me feeling trapped. I can't get away, I have tried, but she won't fuck off. No it isn't because she "loves me" it's because after 5 min she doesn't realise why I am gone, and stalks me online until she finds me, and can corner me to ask why.

The only way I will escape her will be to completely pack up and move, change my number, all my email addys, and my ISP user name. I will have to reinvent myself yet again. Personally, I think it will have to come to that.

In the last week I have heard her admit she fucked up, then say it's my fault, then hers, then mine, then hers, then mine....and so on. It's never fucking ending. I no longer have a choice of being in a relationship with her, she won't understand that I am not, and won't accept it. She is now shoving it down my throat, and to tell you the truth, it's starting to scare me now. A fucking zero communication restraining order wouldn't work with this woman. She would do shit anyway.

I am so fucking trapped. If I ask her to leave, she tells me to call the cops to have her removed because she isn't going anywhere. She follows me yelling at me at the top of her lungs all the time, she basically does whatever the fuck she wants all the time. I seriously have problems with raising my son around this. He was acting up really bad, getting mouthy, arguing with everyone, and 2 weeks after she was gone his entire attitude changed, and he has been sweet as can be since. Her negative behavior keeps rubbing off on him. It affects his schooling, his home life, his relationships with friends and family. Basically, when she is here, she is fucking up my son. But she won't leave me alone. She won't go away. She stays, and drives the stake deeper into my heart. I have resented her for a year already for shit she has said and done. A 1 min hug does not cancel out 59 min of bullshit. No matter who you are, or what you think.

Ya I know...if she does infact have FAS, and she has the history and symptoms of it, then she can't help it. It is treated with patience. That of which I have none anymore. Patience that the baby raper never had, so he would beat her to a bloody pulp instead. She told me once thats all she understands. If she can drive me to hit her, then she knows I care. Fuck, and all I can think of is my son, and how happy he is right now. Do I really want all this shit starting all over again? No, no I don't.

I got an email from Jays mom earlier last night. Apparently she is not going to take no as an answer for sending Jay back to Canada. She has been told that I don't want her here, and says that even if it is only for a little bit, she is sending her here. Whats the matter mags, need your space so you can start up the sex parties again? yay.

So what do I do? I can't escape. I am in a situation where my only out is gonna end up being suicide. Thats the only way I will ever get away. She is obssessive with me to the point where I wouldn't put it past her to try to kill me if I ever started up a new relationship. Think I am a lil OTT with this?

This is part of an email sent to me yesterday.....

"i am an extremly revengeful person and it will get me in alot of trouble one day. and i know if you ever dated again, i would kill them.

how fucking tweeked is that?!

if you ever date, please dont mention it because i would fly out there just to bash heads, lock me away i don't care-you're mine.

(i told you i get bad)

as for joey or whomever if you had texted them,seriously this out how i see it-

i would fly out there,really really pissed off and hurt (oh not a good combo) i would track you down and beat hell out of you,then feel really bad because i had and try to comfort you then i would find your phone,break it and go find whoever you texted and make their live a living hell. i wouldn't care if i killed them,atleast they couldn't text you anymore. fuck amber i would be livid! i am even thinking about it! i don't like the thought of it at all."

This is what I am mixed up in. This is my life. This is my future. This is my fear. I suppose I am putting it in here to document that it happened, and leave a trail of breadcrumbs incase something happens to me. Ya, I'm scared.

I'm having an anxiety attack, and I feel ill, so I better get back to bed. I woke up, and had to get this off my chest.

Nite...again

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014