3 days later, and I am finally updating. Things have gone from bad to worse. I have finally given up.....welfare here I come. I hate that. I have too much pride for that. I just hate feeling like a waste of flesh.

Everything is a lie. Trevor is a lie. Fucking J.C. had to go and fuck everything up again. I have been miserable for days because of her. She gave me false hope, then laughed in my face. I give up.

Last night I was up late with Jay. We finally wrote her bio. I called my sister in law today about getting her and my brother to do pix of Jay, and a bud of mine is burning the demos. If all goes according to plan, we will have Demo packages sent out by the end of the month. I am tired of people fucking us around. This time I'm mad, and I am doing things my way. I will have her signed within the next month, or I will fucking kill myself. I am tired of denial. Tired of bullshit lies. Tired of false hopes. Now it's my turn.

My fathers birthday came and went. I sent him a card...as was expected he didn't even aknowledge it. This time it seems he has written me off for good. I'm tired of being disgusting in his eyes. I can never do anything right. It makes me wonder why I am here. My mom understand...hell, she even has faith in me. But my dad...I'm dead to him. One day I will show him how it really feels. Alot of the time I really wish I was dead. I seem to be the ongoing expert on how to fuck everything up.

I have had greif and loss issues since I was 7 years old. As I got older, more shit happened, and they all got worse. Now I have gone from missing people, to not wanting people around, and pushing them all away. Some life I have. I feel like such a worthless loser.

I turn 27 in 2 months. I have nothing to show for my life except being put on hiatus by my college, winding up on welfare again, and being so fucking miserable all the time that I can't function anymore. Pills won't solve this. I was put on the highesr dose of paxil, and I was still depressed. I have no escape. I want to work, but when I do, I end up in the hospital. I can't handle heat, the cold fucks my head. I am always sore, or numb, or barely able to walk. My fucking dads genetics gave me MS, and because I am sick, he says I am just playing upto it. HE FUCKING DID THIS TO ME! I wish I was never born.

No one can see how I feel. I look normal outside. I have nerve, and brain damage that won't go away. It will always be here in me. I try to explain how I feel to people, but 5 min later they ask me "whats wrong?". Geez, I wonder....could it possibly be that I am living in my own personal hell? That every day I sink in deeper and can't pull myself out? That maybe I have slid in so far that I just give up, and give in to falling deeper inside myself? No one can understand. They listen, but they never hear.

I spend every day being insanely scared of my own death, yet I dream of it, and wish for it. Imagine how that fucks your head. I can't live like this. I used to be strong, I used to walk through people. I used to beat those that had the balls to confront me. Now if you bump into me I fall over. I can't even look after myself. How can I learn to accept this? How can I last? Plain and simple...I can't. Every day that goes by makes me die a little more inside. I can't handle being this way anymore. I can't be happy anymore. The only thing that ever made me feel safe, secure, and whole was my dad. It was as if I never had to worry about anything when he was nearby. Now he isn't. He infected me with this, then lefy me for dead because I'm not perfect. I can't control my MS. It is active one day, and I am fucked for the next 2 months. He says I'm fucking lazy! How? I can't fucking walk most of the time, I feel my body deteriorating daily...how am I lazy. His comment "I work with a couple of guys with MS, and they are perfectly fine, your just full of shit. You just can't admit you are lazy". I'm NOT! Why can't anyone see this? I fucking swear I am not! Not everyone is affected in the same way.

The fucking doctors won't help me. They brush me off, or they say "yep, it's probably the MS". No really? I'm glad you just got paid for stating the obvious. Right now, right at this moment in time...I am in fear. I fear my MS. I fear dying. I fear living. I fear getting a simple cold. I fear flus. I fear fevers that will trigger my MS. I fear living here. I fear losing my home. I fear being a nobody. I fear losing my mind. I fear not being able to live on my own. I fear being condemned to a wheelchair. I fear Jay staying here. I fear Jay leaving. I fear eviction. I fear not being able to support my son. I fear never being loved. I fear love. I fear being alone. I fear being around people. I fear never being healthy again. I just fear life.

How am I supposed to survive like this?

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014