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~Self disgust~ Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002 - 7:19 PM Where do I even start? I'm locked away in my bedroom right now. I am antisocial as all hell, and anything will piss me off right now. I can feel the anxiety attack creeping up on me. It's fucking with me slowly. *sigh* I am not having a good week. My fears have come out like a fucking freight train. I am riddled with anxiety constantly. All I can think of is my death. One minute I want to die, the next I am so scared of my mortality that I am frozen in place. I am scared of getting sick, yet aware that it isn't as bad as my mind is telling me. I am scared to go outdoors, yet don't want to stay in. Scared of being alone, yet I want to hide away from everyone. I am royally fucked. I can see my mind crashing down around my ears. I am falling apart from the inside out. What is pms? What is my anxiety disorder? What is my rejection issues? What is my attachment issues? What is my fear? What is my depression? What is my mind playing tricks on me???? I freaked out really bad. I needed to do something, anything to stop the anxiety, and the fear. I had Jay call my shrink again. He finally called her back, and he explained everything that was going on. He called a prescription into the pharmacy next to my apt bldg. I am now to go on Prozac. I also was given a whole whack of ativan. It looks as if that will be my course of meds for this week. It's funny.....I grew up knowing Prozac as being what was given to crazy people. Maybe all those years of acting crazy, to scare off those who wanted me dead, finally rubbed off on me mentally? I dunno. Med #4......I wonder if this one will work for me? I sure as fuck hope it does. I am constantly freaking. My mind spinning out of control over things that don't matter to me normally. I can't eat. I can't sleep.....I can't function. I wish someone would just kill me. I think I need a nice addiction to prescription drugs. Illicit drugs seem to do nothing for me now....why not go the other way? Fuck I hate my life. IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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