As she screams at me "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????"

I don't know. It would be nice to let go and be happy, but I can't. Fuck the world I wanna get off. I suppose the thoughts I have of my teen years popping up are messing with me bad. I mean, every year I get a spring depression, but this year is worse. I can't make myself feel better with this. As I look around and the vertigo kicks in, I am reminded of the MS, and how much it makes me want to die. I wish I had lived upto my words of not living to see 21. I made that deal with myself when I was 16. Perhaps if I had stayed behind when daniel went to meet shawn way back in '94, if only I had, then I would have just gone out that night to work the street, and right now I would be dead.

I've tried counselling, a therapist, even alcohol and drugs. None of it works. When I was about 17, I used to wish I had the balls to get a serious drug addiction. I used to say jokingly "I want to die of a heroin overdose, just like sid". I laughed it off, and used it as one of my lines like "When I grow up I wanna be a drug dealer and a prostitute...just like my dad". I guess inside I really wished I could take that way out. I've had a needle handed to me, I was 16 and too scared to do it. I think back at tyhat time, and sometimes feel self hate for that fear.

I don't know where all of this headfuck comes from. I am always cracking up, and going fucked in the head. I sit, and dream of bashing my head against things until I knock myself out...but I don't. Why? because I am scared to trigger my MS, if it wasn't there, then I would. I dream of cutting, but won't let myself do it, because my son doesn't need to see it.

I live in a facade. I go from day to day existing like a good girl. I do school, play mom, and act like a caring GF. I just want to run, I don't want anyone or anything. Why run? I don't know. I don't even know what I am running from. Maybe it's responsibility. I mean, I never did have a childhood, and what I did have consisted of no parents, and beatings from my brother. No, not sibling rivalry. He would back me into a corner, and beat me until I couldn't stand or breathe. Then when my mom found out it was "don't bother your brother". Nothing was ever his fault.....it still isn't.

I have always had a dream of grabbing a bag, and just walking in one direction to see where I would end up. But there has always been something stopping me, or getting in the way. I had hope when I thought Jay was going to be signed by MCA. Then that fell through, and the thought of trevor getting her music out for others to hear, to speed the possibility of a signing.....well, yet another shit deal. I'm giving up on that dream. I just thought that a summer of touring with her would help me get past all of the shit in my head about running away. But, even if she did go on tour, I couldn't go anyway. I have Kristian, school, and MS stopping me. It's just a dream that will stay a dream.

I feel alone, empty, and wanting to move onto the next plain to see what is there. My dad bassically avoids me, my mom uses me, Jay says she cares, but says the truth in anger. She tore me apart again last night. Thats about 5x in the last 2 months. She even told me last night that I was full of shit when I said I wanted to marry her. That cut deep.

I think our relationship is grinding to a halt. She keeps saying word for word what the others have said. I'm at a point where I just want her to go, so I can start healing. You know...they leave, you cry, you move on with your life. I guess I hold on hoping that this time would be different. But as the old saying goes: "history repeats itself.", and repeating it is. I am so unhappy that I just want to hide away, and lie in my bed staring at a wall. I don't want to try, I just want to lay.

I keep hoping tomorrow will be different, I'll be happy, things will be good, and for once I will be able to smile and mean it. It's funny how when you smile people only look at your mouth. My mouth may be smiling, but my eyes are crying. I just wish I could move on. I don't think this stop in my journey was supposed to happen.

Fuck the world, I wanna get off!

Intense sex drive....ya it comes with the depression, but not because of anything good. I have been fat all my life, no one wanted me when I was younger. So I became a whore. I mastered sex, and the art of manipulating men in such a way as they came when I wanted them to. I got into D&S, I spanked men twice my age. Why? Because for the few minutes of that sexual experience, they were there with me. I was worth fucking, just not for a relationship. So I gained whatever affection I could through sex.....that is, when I could find someone desperate enough to do me.

Every man who raped me was drunk. All except for the asshole who took my virginity at 11 through rape. I used to think it was 12, but it was 11. I just tell ppl 12, it is easier to stomache. I hate him. I wanted marriage, kids and a life. I wanted to give my virginity to my husband, now I am just a whore. I'll never marry. I have an illegitimate son. And to top it all off, I am too overweight for anyone to even look at me without shouting some derogitory insult at me. I give them the finger, but it still cuts deep.

I stand by the realization I had at 19...I am meant to be alone. Just me in my own little hole, existing as I wait for death.

Maybe I should just take that walk and never look back.../

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014