Ya so what the fuck?

Heya, ya....so if you have been reading this diary for a long time, then you know my psychotic episodes. Well, hi.....this is me after one.

Things are on the mend with me and Jay. I have been harassing Jonjo, picking on Jay, and Simp is dancing around the house singimg "I'm a special boy". The kids were just told that I am not going anywhere, I just had a nervous breakdown. I tend to have them either every 2-3 months, or when Jay is going home. The separation is one that I can't handle you see. I never speak of things that worry me. Jay shrugs it all off, so I feel like I can't talk to her about it. So it all gets bottled up inside. I saw immigration at my door last week, and swallowed it all up, and acted like it was nothing....but it was.

I was quite unstable leading upto that point, and immigration pushed me over the edge. Last night I lost it. I needed time to myself, and instead got JC screaming at me. So, I snapped. I was up until 5am crying like like a hurt animal, and writing like a maniac. Atleast my shrink will be happy that I wrote more shit that he can read. I give him pages of my life, and he treats it like it's a xmas gift. I guess to a shrink it is. I mean, I have been through some fucked up shit. I must be like a good novel to him.

So there you go. I lost my mind and freaked out. Nothing new on this end. The kids are partying because Simp told them all that I was staying. JC came out threatening to stab Jay if I didn't say I was her best mate. I laughed at her, and started to tickle her. She put the scissors down, and started attacking me. Yup, with a giggle and a few slaps...things are normal again.

This is why I wind up alone. This is why I see a shrink. This is why I am hated by ex's, and this is why I thank the gods every day that Jay is at my side. She is the only person who has ever understood how fucked up I can get. She brushes it off, and JC, and Jonjo make fun of me, and kick my ass into shape. I actually live with someone....well, a group of someones...who understand me. No matter how fucked in the head I get...they just shrug it off, and make fun of me. When I fall apart, they listen, and try to understand. Some days I have no idea how they deal with me. Then again, they don't know how I deal with them. I guess it is just meant to be.

*pauses to watch the kids playing in a bubble bath*

I'm fucking exhausted. I just want to pop pills, and sleep.

Well there you go. Nails just called me into the bathroom to show me his fingerpainting. I bought them bath tablets that fizz, and turn the bath different colors. I got them soap finger paint, bubble bath that changes the water either purple or blue, and bubble gum scented bubble bath. Yes, I spoil them. Well Nails wrote "I love you mummy, love nails" on the wall with the finger paints, and he called me in to show me. I get a message every time they have a bath.

So, thats about that. I finally pulled my head out of my ass, and opened my eyes again. I just freak out every time Jay goes home. She is gone in just over a week. Like 8 days actually. In the evening of May1st she will be on a plane to Calgary, then transferring to a plane from Calgary to Gatwick. I'll find out after she gets home when she is coming back. Until then it is up in the air.

I'm still pissed off at this Canadian Idol bullshit. They are doing pre auditions at the mall thats a 5 min walk from my place. If you win the contest, then you get a wristband for the official audition in Calgary. Basically you are guaranteed a place in the audition without having to stand in line for 5 days. Now then...why am I pissed? Because I am 5 months too old to audition. Fuck man! I want to. Just to get through, and be told I made it. Just so I can say thanks, and walk from the competition. Oh, there is no fucking way my body, and health could handle the stress, and travel it would take to be in the competition. But just for my own reasons, I would like to prove to myself that I could do it. Ah well!

So 3 girls are getting charged with attempted murder here. They put copper sulphate into a slush, and fed it to 7 girls. Ya ok...that was brilliant. Dumb cunts. Bravo. Who's the moron now?

Now I am watching a show where Saskatoon police officers are picking up drunk natives, and dumping them at the edge of town in the middle of winter. The outcome? The drunk indian dies of exposure, and the cops look the other way. Gotta love small town saskatchewan.

Well, everybody is clean now, so I better get going. Jay and I have a date to watch Harry Twatter, and the chamber of sextoys. We are gonna lay in bed, and watch it together. The kids have it scheduled as their movie tonight, and will be watching it in the movie room. So it's movie night tonight. We are gonna do what we do best. co-exist, and forget the world exists.

And YES! I feel like an ass for flaking out. But it's just something I do every so often. Multiples trigger, I flip out.

I'm off!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014