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~Fucking banter~ Tuesday, Apr. 22, 2003 - 3:35 PM Hmmm.... I think I am nearing the end of my breakdown. I still feel incredibly unstable, and like I want to put my head through a plate glass window....the thought of wanting to scream is still there, even the tears tugging at the back of my eyes is still there. But I am at a point now where exhaustion is starting to set in. So everything is starting to back off. It may come back in a rush. But now the only thing I can really comprehend is self harm. Atleast the suicide bullshit has backed off. I knew it was coming, I have felt it for almost 2 weeks. I just didn't expect to go off this bad. I suppose it was Immigration that set me off this time. I have been really fucked after the reality set in. I thought I could handle it though. I guess I was wrong. There are just too many things going on right now, in too many directions. For the first time in a long time, I was fully prepared to swallow a bottle of pills last night. But everytime I looked at them I saw my sons face smiling, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't destroy his life, and mind like that. No one else would notice....but he would. It fucking figures.....I had to have a kid. ah well.There you go. Saved by Satan again! And people say he is bad. I'm just tired of the bullshit. Tired of the pain. Tired of the memories. Tired of my physical deterioration. Tired of the lies, the hope, the fear. I'm sick of everything. I wish just for once that something good would happen. Something would go right for a change. Keep dreaming Amber...thats all it will ever be. So, instead of thinking, I sit here and tinker with templates. Then get frustrated by it all. Jonjo's signature isn't perfect. JC's is, but Jays isn't either. I want to rip them off of the server, and doctor the pix until I get fed up, and re-scan it all. *sigh* Perhaps my shrink is right. Maybe I do have a bit of needing to be a perfectionist in things. So far though it is only showing in templates. I feel like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink, and Jay is Ducky. Never seeing whats infront of me, and looking for better. Yet always afraid to show who I really am. I'm gonna start getting really fucked up now. So I will leave it here. IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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