Have you ever just felt like an asshole? I feel like one. I am right now caught in a catch 22. You see on one hand I feel bad, but on the other hand I feel a sick satisfaction in knowing I could have done something bad, for the greater good. How do you weigh the 2 with eachother? Should I feel bad, and cry for her? Or should I start laughing sickly, and celebrate with myself.....not that I do want to celebrate though. Words are said in anger. Fantasy is nice, but reality is a twisted concept.

Now that I have you confused....I will explain. At around 10pm GMT Jays dad died of a heart attack. In his bed, at home, next to her mom. Her mom said he was talking away at her in bed, then he just stopped talking. She thought he had fallen asleep...he didn't. She called his name, and started shoving him. He wasn't breathing. So she called an ambulance. He didn't have a will, and Jay is freaking on her head to make sure no one touches anything in the house. She needs to see what it looked like when he died.

Now maybe you can see my dilemma. Even though there was unimaginable abuse from this man, he was still the only dad she knew. So it will hurt like hell for her. Her mom was supporting him for the last year or so, so we don't have to worry about her being in a bad spot. But Jay needs her mom now. The phone rang at 3:30am to tell us this. They never got our emails about Jay not going home. Technically, if she got on a plane, he would have died shortly after she would have arrived in Calgary. Her neighbours went to the airport to pick up Jay, and were worried when she didn't arrive. She'll be gone next thursday regardless. My mom is trying to get thurs off so that she can drive us to the airport.

I'm really worried about my girl. She started freaking last night about how she was worried I would be next. I chilled her out, then I went to sleep. I found out a little while ago, that everytime Jay has tried to sleep, she has a nightmare. So she basically hasn't slept. We went to bed early though. So she had atleast about 5 hours of sleep.

So I am sure you can see my fucked up catch 22. I feel guilt over the quiet satisfaction I have. I sit here watching Jay in pain, and I kinda hate myself for the way I feel. But I know att of the memories. I know everything he did. I have it all in my head. I can't have sympathy for him. I can for her mom, and I can for her....but not him. The only thing that bothered me was that he didn't wait to meet me so that I could tell him how much he made me sick. I can always track him down though. It isn't all that hard to trap someone in the next plane. I've done it before, but I think I will leave this one alone. I'm just gonna look after my girl, and worry about her.

I think for now I'll just set aside my dislike for the baby raper, and have contentment in his demise. Jay is more important anyway. I'm just glad that she found out about him dying while she was here. She has time to get used to the idea before she is faced by the reality of it. If she had arrived to find this out, I don't want to think about how fucked she would be. She has been glued to my side ever since. Right now she is behind me lying in bed, watching Southpark reruns. She is having a mellow moment. I fed her a little while ago, and tucked her into bed. I'm hoping that the Essences I gave her for grief will kick in, and help her to think clearer. I just need to buy a phone card later so she can call her mom.

Things are pretty quiet in my house. That is, until Satan gets home from school and starts yapping away talking our ears off. He's good for morale.

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014