Time is really interesting sometimes isn't it?

8 years ago I was destroyed by someone who was my everything. My soulmate. My life. hell, this diary was created when I was with them. It was an amazing time back then. To be able to look at them and know exactly what they are thinking. To be able to have a conversation without words. Then one day...it was gone. It damn near destroyed me. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep...and pot became my only salvation. For years I found it hard to go a day without being high almost constantly.

After that one, I started dating one that was one of THOSE. You know the type. They make you feel absolutely amazing when they are around you. You don't see the psychological damage until they are gone. Constant disappearances for weeks at a time. Saying "I'm on my way" but never arriving. Hearing nothing until a week later. Then it's all apologies. Whatever.

Then I hooked up with one to chase that one off. That worked well...NOT! The new one started getting that last one off on my bed, in my bedroom, in front of me. That was the end of that instantly. Sorry darlin...I believe in monogamy.

But, you know how they say everything happens for a reason? Well, I believe it does. You see...and try to stay with me on this....the one I dated to scare off the one that I had dated before who was flighty had a friend. *pause for a breath* That friend caught my eye immediately. We became the best of friends. Were inseperable for a good 6 months. Then one day I decided I wanted more. It was mutual, and so it began.

Well, I met this one 5 and a half years ago, in 2 and a half months we will have been together for 5 years. This of course has me stressed out. You see, 2 weeks before the 5 year mark is when my soulmate dropped me without warning. So of course because of that...the mind starts to grind those gears, and starts to wonder...will history repeat itself? With the way things are right now? Highly doubtful. But the mental gremlins still like to natter sometimes.

I'm not who I was back then though. Not much shakes me nowadays. I am quite jaded, and very standoffish if you will. I protect myself now. I will not let myself go, and just accept the love and promises. Instead I stay guarded, and controlled. I'm sure one day I will finally accept that this one is a keeper, I mean everything is leaning in that direction. Possibly in a year I will let myself see. Right now I am quite comfy where I am at.

It does get lonely though.

Those moments when you just feel like cuddling, and curling up in someones lap...I may feel it, but won't act on it. Those moments when you feel an insane rush of love so hard that you feel you might burst? I say nothing. I'm quite closed off, and cold. And yet...this one puts up with all of that. Why? I'm extremely distanced, but they don't care. I get smiles, hugs, and constant "I love you" being said to me. My response is always a brush off. To respond with it, even though I feel it, is a threat.

Fucking baggage! It will be let go of one day. But for now, it's my armor.

The only happy thing right now is time. I feel nothing for my ex's. My soulmate is not who I once knew. Drugs, and alcoholism have turned them into a stranger....and made tem FAT. Although the weight gain does amuse me. They caused me to lose 150lbs via mass depression. It seems it switched from me, to them. oops? I suppose that could also be called karma? lol

Oh the small things that make you smile. It seems I date people in their prime, and after me they go downhill. Of course the thing that pisses me off the most is...THEY leave me. Then they realize what they had. So they try to come back. WTF!!! Look ok? You were the stunned cunt that decided that you could do better. I'm sorry that I treated you like gold, and spoiled you rotten. It's not my fault YOU decided I wasn't good enough, and that now you are in hell. That was your choice. I just happen to live by the rule "Ex's are ex's for a reason. People only get one chance with me." I happen to like that rule. It prevents stupidity, and future pain. After all...a cheater doesn't change.

Fuck am I ever getting mellow in my old age. I like my quiet and relaxation. I used to thrive on chaos. Now? Nope. Not my thing. Being stress free is addictive.

Yeah, time is rather interesting. I no longer have a broken heart. Just a cautious one. I've let go of many people, and many things. I look to the future now with interest.Some days I actually find myself looking forward to "tomorrow".

They say time heals all wounds. 8 years ago I would be telling people who said that to fuck off. But right now? Yeah. I can start to see that.

It's crazy I can even say that.

I'm off!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014