Well, I finally did it.

Fuck knows why I waited so long to do it, but I finally cracked.

Hmmm....cracked? or cracked up?? Good question.

I finally cut the ties that have kept me in hell for the last 7 years. I wrote off "Jay".

I was laying in bed, unable to get out of it..was way too mentally fucked to even think of the outside world. Waves of suicidal feelings kept washing over me. I couldn't figure out where it was coming from, or why. Then suddenly something upstairs snapped, and I grabbed my phone. I told her I hated her for what she has done to me. That I had to remove her from my life. I basically lost it on her, and wrote her off completely.
She tried to argue it, but I didn't reply. I was done. Thus began 2 hours of crying harder than I ever had. I never did cry back in 2005 when I got that phone call telling me it was over. Didn't cry over hearing her laugh at me on the phone that night. I went cold, empty, and just shook. No tears though. The only tears I shed back then was because she never let me say goodbye to the kids. I never once cried for her. I guess I never really wanted to believe it.
In the last few months I was getting texts from her about how much she loves me, and how much regret she has over what she did, and how she just wanted me back. Everytime I got one of those texts, I got mad. all I could think was "HOW DARE YOU??? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO SAY THAT TO ME???" Nothing good, nothing happy...just hatred.

Well, I finally had enough.

In the last 3 weeks I have gone from a knife twisting in my chest, to starting to relax. The big grey cloud that has been hanging over my head for years, is starting to break up a bit. I'm finally starting to be able to smile....and laugh! Holy fuck! I forgot how it felt to actually be able to laugh without automatically wanting to cry right after. I've only truly laughed twice so far, but it was incredible.

I now see it all for what it was. And I see her for what she was.

The reationship was based on lies. I came out in the end, 5 years later...not knowing who the fuck I was dating! What the fuck?

Well, it's done now. I cut the ties, let her go, and now I am working on finding me again. I miss my smile. I will find it again. It's just gonna take some time.

This diary was started with her. This is the ending. The end of her, and of my pain and sadness. It's crazy to think about really, but I'm moving on now.

I guess in some ways you can say....

I'm choosing life!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014