Mar 23, 2009 3:54 AM Subject: Just want you to read this, please Body: I know we went through alot of bullshit, ok let me reword that, I put you through alot of bullshit and now I sit here at 22 and realize you helped me be who I am today, you helped me grow alot, now I just want to explain to you the reasons I did what I did, i know you probably don't care but the least I can do is try, when we met, I was 18, yes on my own but still young and of course never seen enough even though at the time I thought I had, so at first I embraced the whole "family" life, I thought I seen enough of the world and was ready for that, but as time went on and things got a little more demanding I started falling apart and realizing I hadn't even seen close enough to the world and that is when I started my bullshit cause I had 2 sides to me, one telling me I wanted this life that I had with you the other telling me I wasn't even close to ready for it thus the back and forth back n forth bullshit. I know you were right fucked up from what Claire did and I know that I didn't help the healing at all by doing what I did, I was young, dumb and thought I could take on the world, boy was I wrong. I couldn't even hold in my emotions or my jealousy or any of that bullshit when other girls were around, especially April, at the time I saw it as this is my family and everyone can just fuck right off, I didn't see it as, she was only there to help (yes sometimes cause problems cause she was a little insane) but only wanted the best for you most of the time. anyways I guess I am writing this because this just isn't a closed chapter of my life, I still see things that remind me of you, hear things that remind me of you, hell my friend has just been diagnosed with MS and stupid thing like that just reminds me of you, the chapter I had with you is still there, remains open because I look back now and I was a total dickhead for what I did to you, but at the time as much as I didn't realize it, love scared me because all I knew growing up was that love was bad, not a good thing, it just ends in heartbreak and disaster and misery so that's the way I looked at it, so top the I am a scared human when it comes to love and the fact I was ready to take on the world when I wasn't just made me a total ass. To this day the one thing that really sticks out in my memory is when you were begging me to take you to the hospital and I just wouldn't do it, I look back now and just realize that you didn't deserve that, not even close, I was just a closed off, inconsiderate prick scared of anyone close to me. anyways as I was saying you have helped me become who I am and stand up for what I believe in even when it comes to my family, anyways I hope you did get to the bottom of this and no Amber, I am not asking for forgiveness, I understand I did alot of horrible things to you and even to Kristian but I really hope you can see that I am writing this from the bottom of my heart, that I am sorry for everything I did to you, sincerely sorry, and I know you have heard sorry from many people in your life including myself several times but I am older now, more mature, more grown up, hell I even have a baby of my own on the way right now and I am sincerely apologizing
Ok....
Considering I'm supposedly the biggest cunt in the world, I'd like to take the time to be one. lol
First of all...wtf???
Kris is much like Andrea. Someone who truly means nothing to me. I view both as being a dumb moment, and as being a rebound in some way. I dated Kris because in alot of ways she reminded me of Claire, and I had no closure there. So I latched onto Kris. Andrea was to try to chase Kris off. Asshole? Why yes, yes I am. But atleast I freely admit it. I was happy alone when I started with Claire, and happy alone when I started with Tricky. Kris was a rebound. Even though I had been single for a year by choice, I still see it as a rebound.
Ok...
A kid. This I question. When I was dating Andrea she knew I was off the market. Called me up claiming to be preg, and going on about how she wanted to raise said kid with no one else but me. I apparently did an amazing job with my son, and she wanted her kid to grow up happy like him. (not likely with her as it's mother) As the story went, later that night she called me saying she was in the tub and there was blood everywhere. Then suddenly she's at the hospital and is miscarrying. Note: 2 days later she was at my place and was perfectly fine. If you know anything about losing a child, your body is a mess for atleast a week. Can you smell the lie? No worries, she ended the relationship between Andrea and I that night. Nothing like watching your current gf get your ex off on your bed infront of you...and Tricky. That was lovely. Then came a couple of months of her abuse, and bullshit. I just couldn't get rid of her. The hospital trip she speaks of is my having an abscess in a molar, and screaming and crying in pain. She sat there looking like I was annoying her. I did beg because if you've felt that pain...well, you understand. But, that night I got to deal with it on my own. A fistfull of Tylenol and Ibuprofen got me through.
Anyway...
This is one person I would never want to see have a kid. She states it right above that she knows nothing of love. Could she ever show that to a kid? Not bloody likely. She's a whore. She claims to be gay, but has slept with more guys than a straight woman. Hence why I call her a whore. Because in all honesty the only difference between her and one, is the fact that she isn't worth paying. Was that bitchy? lmao
So yeah.
This is what I woke up to this morning. There is tons that I could say about her, but what's the point? I just don't see her as being worth my time, let alone the air she breathes. This message to me is nothing but her yet again attempting contact with me. Contact I have no interest in. Some people just don't take a hint. It might still be all "open" to her. But that chapter in my book was closed the day I got a tattoo with her. Tricky was witness to my attitude change right after too.
As for her being older, more mature, grown up? Not fucken likely! It's been a year, and she's all of 22. She has the mentality of a 15 yr old, she probably always will. When I date someone I give everything in me to them, and offer them the world...or whatever there is for me to offer anyway. Some appreciate it, and others stomp on me. Those who appreciate it receive my friendship in return when it's over. The others get nothing at all. She is one who will never deserve my friendship. She was just someone to fill the void while I let go of the past. It may not have looked that way at the time, but that's how I choose to see it now.
For once I am happy in life. I am aware that life is very fluid, and in the future even Tricky will most likely move on. I'm not being negative. Just a realist. She's young. In a year or 2 she'll probably want more out of life than I have to offer. Simple as. That's the main reason I choose to live in the moment.
But Kristine Modrall? She can fuck right off. Let her verbally, emotionally, and mentally abuse someone else! I was stupid once, but never again. Once bitten, twice shy? Naw, once bitten, and a whole lot of go fuck yourself. People only ever get one chance with me. I never try anything again with an ex. After all, they're an ex for a reason.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this little bit of comic relief....annoying as it is. While she dreams of me and beats herself up over the past....I'm gonna shrug and go take a nap. lol
After all, the only stress and worry I have right now is trying to find paper so I can print off the form needed to send off for Tricky's transcripts so we can get her into school in Sept. lol
Live in the moment man. The past is there for a reason.
