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~Desire...~ Saturday, Dec. 20, 2008 - 2:18 AM I hate ths time of year. I really do. You would think that after 4 years I'd be ok. I'm not. *sigh* Every year it's the same fucking bullshit flooding my mind. Betrayal. It all comes flooding back. I'll be fine all year, then xmas comes, and it's suddenly 2004 again. I guess I really did fall in love with her. Crazy. She was someone impossible to trust. All that came out of her mouth was lies and bullshit, and yet somehow....I dunno. Yet again I find myself sitting here wishing I had some mental Drano I could swallow. Just to unblock this fucking mental shit. Took an antidepressant for the fist time in about 10 months about 10 min ago. Finally reached that point of needing them again. I'm not sleeping, food doesn't appeal to me, and I'm just drifting further and further away from everyone around me. All I know is that I want to cuddle and forget everything, but when I try it just isn't right so I run away. I think I've finally given up in a way. I had to be alone today. Didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or interact with anyone. I'm so fucked up right now. It's been creeping up on me for weeks. I always want to talk, to say something thats going on in my head. Hell, I'll even get dead set and be convinced that I'm gonna talk it all out. But when put in a situation where I have that chance....I can't. I go to open my mouth and nothing will come out. I guess years of being told "I don't want to hear it" finally drilled in my head, and now I can't talk at all. Good or bad, the shit in my head stays in my head. It's funny. This is my diary, it's all locked up, and still I can't say what I came here to say. Everything is guarded. Censored. Barely hinted at. Ah well, maybe one day I'll just explode and blow the block out in one shot. But for now, I'm on Paxil again, and trying to survive. Hopefully one day shit will change. Cause until then... I'm Fucked! IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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