Where the fuck do I even begin?

Ok, last week.

Satan had a camping trip with his outdoor ed class. He was at my mom's from the thursday before, until tuesday. He was home tuesday night, and weds morning at 8am we were walking him to school with all his camping gear and shit. Then he was gone until friday afternoon. I went through extreme separation anxiety, and was in tears alot when I was alone. I guess part of me found it embarrassing that I'm that attached to my boy. So yeah....satan gets home at 2pm, and after sitting outside talking to ppl for an hour, we finally take him home. lol

Then at 7pm my mom was here, and he was gone again. *sigh*

The weekend was harsh on me. Lots of talk about my past to help Tricky to understand who she is dating, and yeah.....rough time there. Not fun at all.

So mother's day comes....and I hear nothing. I call my mom, and wish her a happy mommy day, and still I hear nothing. I call later that day, talk to my son for a good 10 min.....still nothing.

After dinner at my brother's place, he gets home at 8:30pm, and that's when I get a "Happy Mother's Day".

Yeah. What fucking ever. I spent 3 hours on Snday bawling like a pussy because my son treated me the way everyone else in my family does......I don't exist.

Well, I've been riding his ass like a fucking asshole since. It's getting harder for me to do because I prefer to have a happy house, but he takes that for granted. So, I'm trying to show him the other side.

I've never celebrated mother's day. Never got anything, and never even had him for the day.....not since he was about 5 anyway. So yeah, it was a shitty day basically finishing off a shitty week.

Then yesterday I fucking snapped. Woke up the neighborhood too. I asked satan 3 times to take out the garbage. Then I noticed he fucked off to his friends place without taking it out. I got PISSED!

I grabbed the bag, and marched down to his friends place, slammed the bag down and started screaming. Everyone knows he blew of mother's day, so they now why I'm so pissed right now. It hurts alot, but it's a double edged sword. Does he see it like I see valentine's day? I don't need one day to say I love you, I say it every day instead. So does he not need a day to appreciate me when he does every day?

Fucked if I know. All I know is it still stings like a fucking bitch.

Thus brings me to the mail I received yesterday.

Got a letter from Claire. Got her new mobile number, and put in my cell this afternoon. She also sent me a flump, and my ever loving addiction....Hula Hoops. MMMMMMMMM!

Scarfed those I did. yummy! lol

Anyways....in the letter she sent she had drawn a fucking alien with a bong, and wrote on the back that it was for my son and I.

Excuse me?

Satan was not impressed in the least. Neither was I. She is so fucking lost in her drugs that she is clueless to reality. I mean....sending some druggie pic for my son? Yeah ok. How about not.

Then, get this...she asks me in her letter "If you was 'ere, would we b gf's or just fuck buddies?"

I'm sorry to say it girl. You were my Jay Byrd once, and you threw it away, and destroyed me mentally, and emotionally. Basically you are the reason I took up Anorexia and lost 115lbs and counting. The damage is done. You're an addict. You're in denal of the kids....as they just don't disappear honey, they went into hiding because they knew I was gone.

I discovered hundreds of extreme lies after she was gone. Basically the blinders were removed. I doubt everything about that almost 5 year relationship. I don't even know who she really is, or anything about her. Why the fuck would I ever offer her a chance at making me miserable again?

Easy.

I wouldn't.

Of course, she has also brushed off the fact that I am with Tricky now and am very happy and content. Hell, as I type this she is on my bed READING! OMG! HOLY FUCKING JUMPIN' JEBUS ON A POGO STICK!!!! I'M DATING A BOOKWORM!!!!!

Sweet fucking deal that is. My place is a library, and to be with someone who shares my love of the written word...well, fuck me am I happy.

Anyways, I've been with Tricky for a month and a half now. We're both really oddly on the same page with everything,. Same likes and dislikes, same taste in everything from food, to books, and movies. It's an emotionally stable, and mentally comforting relationship. We talk about the shit in our heads, and really listen to eachother and understand it all.

She was actually quite surprised to realize that I lived a life very similar to hers. She now sees why my gf's have all been multiples. Had my shit have happened a year or 2 earlier.....I would have split.

Instead I am missing about a year and a half of my life. Total disassociation there. No memory of my 7th birthday at all. Do memory of the summer to summer either. Just a total loss of time.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what I blocked out.

But yeah, like I said....alot of emotional injuries came out over the weekend....then she got blasted with some wicked memories.

OH! and I am a fucking piece of shit!

I was pissed off yesterday, and had another freakout and breakdown.....that triggered a kid in Tricky, and had him come out and totally scrub down my kitchen. I was in my room mellowing out, and he was cleaning. Tricky said he pushed everyone out of the way and just kept saying "must please mommy". He ran out of the shadows to clean. He now has his own room, and is sleeping...albeit not very well. He's acting out in his sleep from what I've been told. It's a stressed, fitful sleep. I'm worried about him, want to beat the fuck out of Tricky's mom more, and feel like an asshole for triggering him.

Fuck. It's like I'm on some fucked up downward spiral. The only thing that chills me out is when I climb into bed and cuddle with my Tricky. That's about it. I told my son tonight that I'm having a really bad week, and just want next week to come cause it should be alot better. As usual he looked at me with understanding and patience and said "Ok". I know he understands bad weeks. And as per usual he rides mine out and shrugs off my yelling. He knows my patience is shot to shit right now. Doesn't make me feel any better though.

First I talk about my childhood, then I'm forgotten by my son, then I trigger a kid.

I feel like a fucking piece of shit.

I'm just trying to grab onto a thread and hold on for dear life.

My hands keep slipping...

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014