What a rough fucking weekend it has been.

Kris had all these plans to do all these things, and then her body exploded. I've been stressed to the tits about it too. I don't like it when she's all fucked up and I can't help her. I know we aren't technically together, but I still love her to death, and worry about her alot.

First she gets nailed with cramps that damn near kill her. What do I do? Freak out because I think she's dying. Then last night she gets nailed with food poisoning or something. That sets me off in an ocean of worry too.

I hate this separation. It's killing me. I just can't eat at all without her. I don't know why I'm like this, it's kinda dumb. I got so used to always cooking for her, that the only time I eat is when I cook for her. Last night was a bitch, I had to literally force myself to swallow. I cooked up some chicken breast just to make a sandwich with it. But as I was chewing, I wouldn't swallow. I had to fight it. It started going down easier when she said she was coming over. Then I managed to eat almost a complete sandwich. But fuck! I seriously need to find a way to stop this. I need to learn to eat on my own again...and soon.

I put my jeans on yesterday, and was amused by the fact that rather than being tight on me, they were loose. I suppose that's a good thing. I'm walking better now...when my right leg isn't doing the funky chicken on me. lol
But still....I have to eat normally one day. I've been living like an anorexic for over a week now. Not that it bothers me, or it is the first time...but seriously. I need to get this under control, and soon. I'm starting to slip into a groove now. I've lost interest in food, and what I eat my body hates. I've been sitting on the fence with anorexia for years. Now I'm dangling off that fence on the side that says "Food is bad!". Some days it's annoying, and other days I take comfort in it.

Oh! So get this! This chick sends me a message on Nex. Says she knows me, and has seen me before. Says she used to live with the illiterate newfie. That she's heard alot about me, and wanted to say hello.

Fine. Works for me. The first thing I did was clear up the important issue "I was NEVER her gf, she just told everyone I was, and when I wouldn't be she went around telling everyone that I was all abusive, and beat her up and shit". Then I told her that when I started dating my last gf, April took it upon herself to tell said girl how insigniicant she was to me. What the fuck is that anyway?

So yeah. It will be interesting to see what she has to say. This is after all the newfie's ex-roommate. lol

So, Kris came over last night. Started out by falling asleep in my lap, then after a lil fun we had a nice talk. I don't know how I don't get upset hearing about her sexual escapades, but for some reason it really doesn't bother me. Everyone in the past would talk about that, and I'd just go green. But, last night I really was interested in what she had to say. I guess in a way I take it as a compliment that I've managed to maintain her interest. Fuck knows how. I'm just a boring old grandma here. I do nothing, go nowhere, and fuck on demand. lol

Okay....well, I guess that means I'm reliable. Or so much of a loser that I just give in easily.

I almost left her and wrote her off quite a few times in the last week. Infact last weekend I had almost completely done so, and then....I don't even know what the fuck happened, or how it started. *shrugs* Oh well, she snagged me again. I'm just waiting to see where it goes from here.

I want a baby in the house. I really do. I've never been in a situation where I have felt like I have a family. I've always been the outcast, black sheep, scapegoat, and piece of shit. I can't actually say what family life is. All I've ever seen is insults, and hatred. Everyone always wants me as a fuck, or to just say they caught me. No one has really ever shown an interest in possibly loving me for me, and wanting something more. I'm hoping Kris is serious about this. This is like a dream to me. Something I always wanted, but never had. I know it's gonna be alot of work, but I'm up for the challenge. If only I can chain her to my bed to stop her from running away. lol

No, this is honestly something I want, and her? Well, she is literally everything I have ever looked for in a person. She's beautiful, intelligent, sexy, fun, and real. She completes me somehow. I dunno. Maybe that's why I let her talk me out of me writing her off? Who knows? Maybe I'm just whipped? lol

Fuck man, there is so much to do. Get her back in here, get her ribs looked at, pay her bills off, get her referral, save up, get her knocked up, move, get a car..... Fucking hell. It's a goal though. To sort it all out by the end of the year. I know we can do it. And while we do it we'll sort shit out between us too. Atleast I'm willing to try. The average person would have gone a year ago. Not me, I'm too fucking loyal. Loyal to a fault I always say. People hurt me, and I put up with it. Until I hit a breaking point that is.

Last night was amazing though. To just talk for a while, then have her fall asleep on me. When I climbed into bed I wasn't even tired. But, as per usual, she climbs on me, and knocks me out. lol

Yeah, I need her. I'm working on my thought processes, and changing what needs to be changed so I can stop with all the annoying shit. I don't like the paranoia, so I'm working on getting rid of it. Too much of my past influences me. I need to try to let it go a bit more. Start seeing ppl for who they are, not for what they could potentially do.

I'm trying.

Well, I had nothing to say when I started this, and I guess I did have something to say after all. But, right now I feel the urge to force a sandwich into me. So I'm gonna go do that.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014