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~And so on....~ Wednesday, Mar. 14, 2007 - 11:12 PM Well, she came for a visit. *sigh* She appeared out of nowhere behind me, and made me jump out of my skin. I was glad to see her, yet unsure at first. I dunno. It was akward kinda. For both of us I think. It took us actually touching for it to feel normal. Then I didn't want to let go. I still don't. Putting her on a bus was hard, but the look in her eyes is still fresh in my mind. We did alot of talking tonight. Said alot that needed to be said. I understand alot more, and I can't help but cry in longing for her. I felt amazing. Then she left, and I felt empty again. I hate not having her in my bed. I used to sit on the computer and watch her sleep. I studied her every noise, movement, and feature. I miss climbing into bed and having her flip ontop of me in her sleep. That always knocked me out. I'm hoping she meant everything she said to me tonight, because I know I did. She wants to have a baby.... Now there is an interesting thought. Kris with a kid. I think that is the one thing that will sort her out completely. That's what fixed me when I was 19. I knew in my heart I was ready, and I see that look in her eyes, and I know she is now. Damn. It's a shitload of work, but fuck do I miss it all. To have that again, now, when I have been through it, and figured out all the hard shit. When I know what to expect, and how to get through it sane. Wow. And to think, she actually wants me to help raise the child she has. I almost don't know what to say. That was the biggest compliment to me. To trust me with your own child. To want me to raise it as my own. I just.... I want that so much. To start a family with her. To start a life. Everything feels so right, and I know for a fact we could do it. Fuck that would be amazing. I am just a mom. I mother everyone around me. I look at my sons baby pix, and miss him at that age so much. I'm in a stunned sort of shock. She was going on about how she didn't want kids anymore, and I miss having a little one around. I guess that's another lack of communication. I can't have another, and frankly don't like being pregnant.....but I wanted one. I just never said anything. I've actually thought of adoption before. Just to have a baby in the house. lol Wow. I almost started to cry when she said it. Had to choke back the tears. It made me so fucking happy to hear those words. I can't even put how I feel into words. I'm somewhat speechless right now. I just feel.....christ. Amazing doesn't even come close. I'm just so.....wow! We were talking about moving into a townhouse together. Her working at home, having a kid, just having a life together. I don't want to wait damn it! I want all of it right fucking now. To be with someone, have a family with them. Hell, Satan even told me tonight that he'll happily babysit for us too. lol She blew me away today. Just all of this blew me away. I was convinced that she really did hate me, and really was rid of me. Then it was like she knew everything I ever wanted to hear come out of her mouth. One by one she said she wanted all of these things that I did. How the hell did we end up on the same page? Amazing. I love her you know. I really do. I fell for her the day we met. She was asleep in my arms, and as I looked down at her, all I could think was "this is home". I held back alot, but on our 11 month anniversary I let go. I right now am teetering on the edge. Hell I have been for quite some time. I'm right on the very edge, about to fall. I'm about to let go completely, and fall deeply in love with her. The only thing that holds me back is the running. It kills me now, if I let go....I wouldn't survive it. She is my everything. I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'm all nervous, and excited about seeing her tomorrow. My dad, being the usua;l voice of old man reason, says she should wait 5 years. I don't want to. I actually found myself getting defiant again. Thinking to myself "We'll do whatever the fuck we want wether you like it or not asshole!". I'm not a kid anymore. I know what I'm getting myself into. She sees the easy part. She doesn't know what she is getting herself into. lol I can't wait to see the look on her face when she feels the baby move inside her for the first time. That will be hilarious. That's when the "Alien" movie gets involved. "AHHHHHH! There is something trying to claw it's way out of meeeee!" lol Or when the kid shifts, and sits on her bladder. lol I never really had cravings. Well....I lived off of French fries, coke, rocky road ice cream, and Player's Light cigs. I'll make sure she isn't smoking anymore when she gets preg. And no one will be allowed to stress her out, or I'll kill them. We'll get the craziest skater baby clothes we can find, and oh god! I can't wait to start thinking of names. If Satan was a girl I was gonna name him Kaytlyn Viktoria. I wonder if she'll like that name too? I wonder if it will be a girl or a boy? I don't care which it is, as long as it's healthy. Another boy would be cool though. Satan could teach him how to pee standing up. lol I wish we were in our own place right now, and she was knocked up already. I wish we were already doing this. I wish I could calm down and shut up about it. lol I hope she doesn't change her mind. I want this with her so bad. I need this with her. I'll just end this here with one thought..... How fucked is it gonna be to see a birth from the other end? I'll miss it anyway, I'll be by her side getting my arm ripped off. lol Fuck I love her! IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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