Okay, so I have no one to talk to right now. And no one that is available that I want to talk to. I dunno. I prefer talking to myself. It helps me clear my head, and sort shit out. I hate being over analytical.

Anyways.

The furniture is all here and arranged. It's not what I was told it was. It's all cream and wood tables. The kitchen table is way fucking tall, and my ass doesn't fit in the seats. Yay.

But, my dad says he doesn't think anyone has ever sat in the chair, and that's what it looks like. The couch is a bit shorter too, so the living room looks a bit bigger now.
It's all wood and glass now, so my coffee table book is coming back out again. My "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich" book, It's about time there was a Swastika in my living room again.

I got half a cup of soup in me, and my body is in full shock. Shakes and all. I'm pissing brown...full dehydration. I think when I go and buy another pack of smokes later, I'm gonna grab some Gatorade. Get myself under control a bit. I'm in no rush though. Everything is done....for now...and all I want to do is lay in bed and wait for death.

Told my brother that I was single. He stopped dead in his tracks looking shocked and said "What the fuck?". I explained to him what is going on and why, and he looked at me and said "You can't fault her for that. It's understandable." I agreed, then when they went back out, I started to break down again. Today is my breaking point I think. Today the healing is starting. All I'm doing is crying today. I saw that curious george is on tv right now, and it hurt so fucking bad I wanted to die.

I can't watch tv anymore. I can't think, listen to music, or even function. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is writing constantly. I just hope she'll stop hating me, and I hope this makes her happy. I've been destroyed completely. My stupid fucking ass keeps hoping she'll show up on Thursday for her shit, and break down asking me if she can stay. I know that would never happen, but right now it's a nice daydream. I wish things could be how they were.

Fuck I need to get high. This hurts so fucking bad that I can barely breathe. All I can do today is cry, and smoke. I was offered a beer last night, and I wanted more than anything to have it. But that is one thing I can't do. It smelled so good, and I was drinking it in, but to actually consume one...that would be heaven.

My mental stability is out the fucking window now. I feel cold and empty now. I see no joy in life. I am falling into a depression, but am almost happy to be in it? If that makes sence. I would love to fucking OD right now. To feel myself die. It would hurt less. Physical pain is nothing compared to my emotional pain. I am but an empty shell. The 23rd is going to fucking kill me.

I lost my smile. It sickens me to try to do it. My dad took one look at me and said "How are you holding up? You ok?... under the present circumstances." I just said "Yeah, I'm as good as I can be right now." I don't want to tell him "No dad, I am mental, emotionally fucked, my stomach is shredded, and I want to die". He doesn't need that. It's funny how everyone is being optimistic about it, and hoping she'll come back. Everyone but me. I've seen the look in her eyes. She's gone. She holds resentment towards me, and all I see is hate. Like I'm just a speedbump in her way. To go from adoration to that look...it's killing me.

I just don't care anymore. I don't give a fuck about anything at all anymore. Fuck my health. Fuck my life. Fuck my world. I just don't give a fuck. I'm dying inside now. And in some ways....literally. I don't get bitched at to drink...so I don't. I don't get bitched at to eat... so I don't. I can't sleep. Can't stop crying. And just lay in bed staring at my clock watching the hours tick away. Just in some fucked up daze. She made me someone, gave me purpose. Now I am nothing going nowhere. I'm just going through the motions.

My all soup diet has started now. My mom came over with 12 cans of soup for me, and some soda crackers. I thanked her, but I doubt I'll even eat it. I'm gonna try. But food has lost it's taste and thus it's appeal. I just don't care.

The only song I can stomach listening to is Everything Changes. It's everything going on in me. It's everything I'd love to say. But, I won't say a word.

I'm leaving her alone completely now. I won't email except to reply. I won't text except to reply. I'm completely backing off and giving her the space she wants and needs. I'm just slipping into the shadows. Becoming nothing to her. I don't want her to see my pain. I won't be able to look at her when she comes for her shit. I don't want her to see the truth. I'll be all friendly to prevent any guilt or bullshit. I'm dying inside because I'm letting her go.

But, life goes on.

It's strange yet scary how you can be this fucked, and yet hear ppl laughing outside. How you can die, and your family will miss you, but the world isn't affected at all. You become an unmarked grave that is just added to the masses.

I've lost interest in everything.

I just lost interest in this too.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014