And then it was not over?

I have ridden the worst rollercoaster ride of my life in the last 24 hours.

First I'm somewhat written off.
Then I'm a friend and possible fuck buddy..but single.
And now? Now my ass is owned by a monkey!

Thank fuck.

But fuck am I sick now. Oh boy.

I can still feel the nicotine coursing through my veins. Add that to no food in like... 32 hours. And yeah. Not good.

Fuck am I ill. I'm struggling to drink right now. This sucks ass. But, that's what happens.

As soon as the stress backed off, I started to feel ill. It's getting worse. I need sleep bad, but something tells me I might be up sick all night. Story of my life.

I'm glad I won't see her for a while. I honestly don't want her to ever see what I did to myself. Last night was a bad night for me, and I lost control. When I was losing it I asked for help, she seemed to brush it of (to me anyway) and I just fucking lost it.

I've decided that I need to stop all this cutting bullshit. I know no one but me can stop it. It just numbs the emotional pain so well. That and smoking got me through the night.

It's really hard when you think you've lost your soulmate. The one person that everyone searches for all their life. I have mine, and I can't survive without her. She completes me so much. I actually feel whole. No more cold empty pit in my stomach. Just warm and whole.

It's really sappy and sad though. As I type this tears come to my eyes. I thought I had lost her. I thought she was gone. To hear her saying that she loves me makes my heart want to explode. I feel so much love for this woman, that it brings me to my knees.

I feel whole again. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I do miss her like crazy though. I hate sleeping alone. I move closer to "her" and hit the wall. That wakes me up and upsets me. I miss the kisses, and cuddles, and picking, and petting we always did.

It's funny how it stopped. I wanted it, but was scared I would wake her if I did it when she was sleeping. But, I would lay awake in bed wishing she would attack me. Throw an arm over like she used to.

What happened? When did it happen? I have no clue. Just one day it was there. I remeber that it was right after she said that her searching for me in her sleep probably was gonna scare me off...she stopped doing it. It bothered me that she stopped. I loved watching her look for me. It made me feel secure. Then for some reason it stopped. I started to worry. I think that was the beginning of it.

It's over now thank god. Now I just have to go mental dealing with the change. But, I am changing my apartment at the same time. It's funny how today after she left my apartment became as destroyed and empty as I felt. But, tomorrow I will clean it like I am picking up the pieces right now, and Sunday I get a whole new room. Like a fresh start to my place, and us as a couple.

It's strange how life does that to me. So many things are parallel.

All I know is that my dad says I am getting a kickass livingroom. To go with a kickass girl. And a kickass relationship. That is all giving me a kickass look at life. I feel almost reborn now. Like the shit was scraped out, and everything was set right again.

Thank you goddess for bringing her to me.

I love my boo.

I'll never stray. But, if given a chance....I'd let her drag me to a bar with her holding my leash. I'd happily put my spiked collar on, and let her lead me around like her dog. She is the only one in this world that I would ever show that submissive side to in public. But her? In an instant. She has my heart, and my soul.

Treat me like the dog I am baby!!!

WOOF!

lol

Fuck I love her. No more threats. No more running. We HAVE to make this work. I think we'll both die without eachother.

Well, I'm willing to do what it takes. I just don't want to be hurt again.

And then she logged off of msn, and I started to cry.

I used to be this way with my ex. It just never seemed like enough time. You miss them so much it eats you up inside. She's hitting a bar, she'll have alcohol and distractions. I'm sitting at home. I have silence, and nothing.

I hope she doesn't meet someone new, or forget about me. I guess I need more self esteem there. I'll have to work on that.

Her last words to me were
"Munk munk luv lady ivy says: (12:04:00 AM)
I will be thinkin of you"

I'm clinging to that. It makes me smile. She's still in the city, but it feels a million miles away. And yet...she still has a way of leaving me with a smile. Do you know how dumb you look when you are crying with a grin on your face?

I worry that I'm gonna smother her with my i love yous, and compliments. Hopefully I won't. She just needs to know these things. She deserves to know how beautiful she is.

Well, I feel like a fool. I think I'm gonna try to sleep now. I'll try eating tomorrow. Before I hit 48 hours with no food. It's been 33 now.

Fucking emotions. They suck!

Night!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014