The reasons behind the hating of the ex right now.

Let me explain.....

The ex I was with was an asshole. Plain and simple.

Her motto was "bollocks to nasty", or "go fuck yerself". She was in people's faces, up peoples arses, and just all around abrasive. I've restrained her on Whyte Ave when she was about to beat the fuck out of some woman who shit on me. I've restrained her in Walmart when she was going to beat the fuck out of a guy who insulted me. Hell, I've restrained her when she was gonna beat the fuck out of me, or herself. lol

She had fire. She had life. She was crazy, sexy, cool. She was "Jay".

From the attitude, to mohawks, to freestylin', to diving into snowbanks and pissing herself laughing. She was alive. She was always smiling, always laughing, always playing practical jokes, and wouldn't let anyone push her around. She stood her ground, and did what she wants, when she wants. Then again, I never stopped her from doing anything. I let her have friends, and go places alone. Obviously...I mean her current gf was calling here all the time in the end. Little did I know......

That was who she was.

She isn't even a fraction of that now. She always used to fall apart when she went back to England. It was like the country, and the history she had there, sucked the life out of her. She'd get back, and would freak out until she escaped and came back to Canada. When she arrived back, she'd have a nervous breakdown...out of relief..and then she was happy and bouncy again. I had bought her a bike in 2002, and she would ride it everywhere. I left her to it. It made her happy.

And now? Now she has this abusive asshole lording over her like she is a possession more than a person. She is like a beaten housewife. She has no life in her at all. I talked to her on the phone a couple of times, and despite her excitement about coming back to canada, and the possibility of going snowboarding with Kris...she had no life in her. It was like talking to a zombie.

I suppose that could be karma. I mean when we were together it was like the goddess was on our side, and everything always worked out for us. Like when her dad died, she suddenly got sick and couldn't fly, but had she of flown she would have stepped off the plane to the news, and she would have dealt with it alone. But, instead she was here, and had me to hold her and comfort her. We always swore someone was looking out for her. That was just one example of many.

Nothing ever got in our way. It was like life was pushing us towards eachother. Then she went home, met up with char, started doing drugs, and *poof* she was gone.

Why do I say karma? Compare our lives right now. I didn't choose to lose her. I didn't choose the heartache, the pain, the lonliness, and the tears. I didn't choose to lose my soulmate. And now? Now I am with a girl who spoils me rotten in many ways. She's loving, caring, and cute as a button. Infact, when I met her, she had a vibe to her that was almost identical to my ex. Like she had been pushed to me, to look after me. Crazy talk? Maybe. But, I believe everything does happen for a reason. The explanation behind why she originally messaged me online is very odd. It makes very little sense really. The only explanation we could ever give is that someone wanted us to meet. And I've been looked after in every way since.

But, my ex. She made the choice to separate us. She made the choice to do the drugs. She made the choice to not get on the plane in 2004. She made the choice to destroy me. And where is she today? She is with a young girl who is a cheater, who is possessive, emotionally abusive, and volatile. She is not allowed to have friends, was given drugs, developed a habit that pushed her family away, and left her completely alone. She has no one. She has no choice but to stay with that psycho. She has no one else anymore. Her beloved sister doesn't even want anything to d with her, and I personally never thought that would ever happen. Her sister and her were very tight all her life. Now she is nothing to her sister, but a burden. It seems she has become a burden to everyone.

I remember the day she got off the phone with her dad, and cried her eyes out....because he told her he was proud of her for who she was becoming out here with me. Her mom always went on and on about how she couldn't afford a flight, and then she'd see how miserable my ex was, and would cave and buy her one.
I remember...Jan.12/2005...her mom caught me on AOL begging me for help because my ex was so far into drugs she couldn't handle it. She said my ex was selling everything off, and was impossible to deal with. She wanted me to help. I just told her I couldn't do anything when she was there. But if she sent her here I could clean her up.
I understood the drugs. The last few times she had flown home she had increasingly worse separation anxiety. We were getting so close, and so tight that she couldn't bare leaving. She was so happy here, and we were looking for a way to keep her here. I'm guessing that because all the fighting stopped, and we were co-existing perfectly, that it was too much to bare, and she needed the drugs to kill the pain. Then the drugs couldn't stop because when they did she would feel, and so on. Next thing you know, she's with Char, after all she had the money and the drugs, and the rest is history. *sigh*

Maybe she felt guilty for it. Maybe she told everyone that I treated her like shit, was mean and abusive, that I had her brainwashed...etc. because that was how she could get past her guilt. To convince herself that I was shit, and she made the right choice? Maybe?
It was her choice. Maybe she never did love me? Perhaps it was all bullshit. Most of what she told me was lies anyway. It makes me wonder if anything she ever told me was true. I always knew she was lying, but I loved her so much I chose to believe her. I just didn't care. She could tell me she was a quarter leprechaun and I'd make myself believe it. At that time, she could do no wrong. She completed me, and that's all that mattered. No one understood us, and in time I blew almost everyone off. I didn't need anyone else. I was quite happy being a jackass with her every night. Maybe she was never happy at all? Maybe it was just me? I can guess, but I'll never know. In some ways I don't want to know.

But, like I said... she made her choice for whatever reason. And the person she swore I was, and said I was to everyone...is who she is with now. Interesting isn't it? Char has her convinced that she can't survive without her, that she'll have no one without her. Brainwasghed much? I know for a fact she could survive. After all, she's doing it now. And without her excuse to use, I bet her family would slowly start to trust her again. I bet in time she would make more friends, and get going from there.

Yeah karma.

If someone else came along Char would drop her in a second. She even told me that. She is with someone who is the opposite of me. She isn't faithful, isn't committed, trashes her constantly, won't let her have friends, got her into drugs, keeps her bound to her with ideas that she'd die without her. The exact opposite of me.

Perhaps she likes the abuse. Perhaps she got fed up and got rid of me because the fighting stopped?

Who knows? But she made her choice, and she ruined her future, and her happiness. Drugs only temporarily make you happy. I was working on it for life. Doesn't matter now though. She split the team, and the one she almost killed is happy, and the one that made the choice pissed off the goddess and is now living with it.

With all that said....

No Claire....Kyla isn't the only one who died.... "Jay" did too. I'll never call you that again...because you aren't even a shadow of who "Jay" was. You are just plain old Claire Marie now. I am my father's daughter, and I've lost every ounce of respect I ever had for you. Don't expect me to be nice to a doormat. I'm sickened by who you have become now.

It's funny. All the lies, hate and abuse.....why the fuck does she want to know me now???

It's funny you know. Every person that is with me thinks they can do better. Then when they ditch me, and realize I was the "better" they were looking for they regret losing me, and even some try to come back.

I have never claimed to be perfect. (although I am. lol)
I have never claimed to be nice(although I can be)
And I have never claimed to be good(although my heart is)

I am by no means a prize. But my heart is pure. Even with all the shit that has been thrown at me, and all the times I've been stomped on... My heart remains pure, and I am as brutally honest as ever.

Many people call me a bitch because I look past what they want me to see, and look at what they don't want.

For instance, Kyla's parents were relieved by her death. But the reverend of their church....he was doubting his faith. I could feel it.

I see the unseen, and speak my mind. Perhaps I should lie to make people happy? Ummmmmm....how about no.

Faith is an individual thing. People may roll their eyes because I make a statement like "The goddess watches over me"...but it has been shown too many times to count. I now saw "You have to be careful what you ask for". Stupid things happen all the time. If I need somethng, and can't figure out how to go about getting it, the problem always solves itself. I need milk, and stress over it....so I find money outside....or kris gets a $5 tip from someone. It's fucked up. The day before my 30th b-day I sat by myself and said to myself "Ok Amber, you are like 30 now. It's time to stop being a whore, and to find someone to settle down with." On my 30th birthday I got the first message from Kris. The bravado, and in your face approach of that message annoyed the fuck out of me, but something told me to reply. Now look where I am? lol

Be careful what you ask for. The simplest of things can happen to you. As song as you don't look for perfect, and more than you need.

Okay....over an hour of solid typing. Perhaps later I'll tell the story of the Pagan sitting next to an Athiest in the back of a chapel at a funeral.....or the looks I got as people started to notice the Pentacle I was wearing around my neck.

But, until then I will leave you with this.....

I stuck my gum to the bottom of the pew. *cough*

I always wanted to do that. Was that wrong? lol

I'm off!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014