I don't even know where to begin.

Where the hell do I even start?

I spoke to her today. For the first time in almost 2 years, we spoke in person over the phone.

I had contact this morning. That's what started it all. I sent a text to Char at 2am asking if the ex had my cell #. No reply...... I snapped awak at 7am, didn't know why...just did. I texted Char again about my #. She said no, and 10 min after I got the email text to my phone. I knew it was coming. Don't ask me how....but at 2am I knew it was coming.

I was fine. I just sent an email from my main acct. That way she could say what she wanted. Then I waited. I got my reply, and it hurt to read. I was ok though. Then I caught the fact that I has messages on my tag board in here. I read one, and fucking lost it.

Poor fucking Kris. She didn't need to see it.

My knuckles are bruised from hitting the wall, and then I went and laid on the floor in my living room. I talked to Zeppelin for a bit, then I just broke. I couldn't hold back anymore. Every wound from the past ripped wide open again, and I started to pray for death to end the pain.
Kris came down and sat with me while I bawled my eyes out, and bitched about the snot hanging off my septum. I didn't want her to see my pain. I couldn't look her in the eye until I knew it was blocked, and couldn't be seen at all.

I calmed down, tried to mellow out, and she announced that she wanted to call up my ex again for a little chat. I put on a brave face, and Kris had me listen to a few things on speaker phone. I listened, and crumbled inside. Powerless, and weak. My game face forever shows. But the pain and anguish never will.

Well....after going out with my dad, I was in an awesome mood, and finally got the courage to invite a chat with her. I was goofy, and a jackass. I got a call from Kris about a stupid bitch at her work that has it in for me (in which I called up the owner, and sorted that really quick in a 23 min convo) and the almighty ex got to hear me try to be mad....but, it just didn't work. lol

I hate being souped up on caffeine and sugar dammit!

Well, they went to bed, and I got lost in it all. As the night has gone on, I have been feeling sicker and sicker. My abdomen is so tense and tied in knots that I can't even sit up straight. I'm fucked.

It's back. All night I have been seeing things, and feeling like someone is following me. Fuck. I hope I didn't just open the connection up again. That is a really harsh feeling. I can't eat again, and am having problems drinking. I am exhausted, but I know I won't sleep. I have a night of anxiety attacks ahead of me.

She wants my friendship, and I want to offer it. I swallow my fear and jump in head first. But, I question if I'll have the balls to even see her when she comes to this country. I don't know that I'll be able to. The last time I saw her she was mine, this time she won't be. I don't think I can handle the thought...let alone the situation.

How do you force yourself to stop loving someone? How do you let go? Will I ever? I don't know what to do. I want to run away, or eat a bullet. I'm dying inside again.

Hearing her voice brought back alot of pain, yet at the same time alot of comfort. I was ok with it.

Then April called to tell me that They called her, and the ex told her she didn't come back because of the abuse.

Earlier today I heard other reasons.

That cut deep and hard. I swear to fuck there was no abuse! The fighting stopped as soon as I stopped pushing her. The fighting stopped on Feb.14/'04...The da I let myself go. The day I let myself love her like she deserved. If I could go back I wouldn't have let go. I would have been able to shrug everything off.

How is it, that after 2 years, everything is still raw, and feels like someone is rubbing salt in my wounds?

I lost my soulmate. Now I dream about owning a gun, and using it.....on myself.

I hate my life.

What the hell do I do now?

I was ok. The explanation I heard for her leaving made me feel better, and helped me. Then April told me otherwise. Why the fuck are they calling that fat lying cunt anyway? She's an obsessed bitch who even tonight yet again started to text me with how much she loves me, and tried to bribe me to be around her. I want her out of my life. She is a pothead, alcoholic, lying piece of shit who likes to try to fuck everyone in her path. I even freaked one day when she was on kris and wouldn't get off of her. It was borderline rape. I don't need that in my life. Of course, if Char really wants to fuck someone here, April will happily rise to the occasion, and will take her away. Then they'll learn pretty quick that April pisses when she cums....oh I'm sorry.."squirts"....except it's yellow, and smells like piss. lovely.

Fuck, I don't know what to say or do. I'll swallow it all and be a friend, but I am already dying inside....how long can I look happy for? How long can I hide the fact I am dying inside?

Please Goddess......just let it, or my life, end.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014