Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends...come inside, come inside....

Well, my world has yet again exploded in my face, and all I can fathom at this point in time is disappearing again. Changing phone numbers, online id's, and even moving.

I just need to escape. I can't even cling to Kris right now. All I see when I look at her is a reflection of my own pain. This isn't fair to her, and I fear my son will see it in me when he gets home tonight.

I'm working towards going cold and hard again. Yet another blast of being bitter and jaded to force self preservation. How lovely for me.

I just want to laugh again. I want to relax again.

I'm attacking April by text messages again. I'm trying to yet again get rid of her. I say "fuck off I hate you!" She says "I love you, can I buy you a present?". So, I'm getting low. I'm asking her how it felt talking to a girl who has from me the only thing she has been trying to get for years.....My heart. She's trying to act all nonchalant....but I'm going for broke here.

I was disgusted to find out that I apparently dated her for a year and a half???? This is what she is telling people!!

That is such an embarassment to me! I find her repulsive, and as soon as I got sober I did. No drugs to hide reality for me. She's nasty as fuck!

Oh! and I apparently am Violent! Might I point out that one night she started to freak on me, scream at me, and then proceeded to beat the fuck out of me? I wouldn't fight back. I can't fight anymore. I sit and cry and take the shots. I sat there, and even took kidney shots. Now those fuckers hurt! She beat me until I couldn't move. I was barely able to function for a week. The only violence she saw from me, was my physically tossing her out of my apartment door because she threw something at me, or raised her fist to hit me.

But I'm fucking violent!

I don't have it in me anymore. I just can't. I'm scared of my own fucking shadow now. Scared to go outside. Scared of everything, and everyone. I guess you could say my spirit was broken. I try to get mad, but I just don't. I don't have it in me anymore. I miss it, but it just isn't there. My tattoos are my courage. They keep people away from me.

I wish I was me again. I'd have the strength to handle all of this shit. All I do anymore is cry, and feel scared. I was never like this! I was loving confrontation, and ready to take on anyone. I miss being that angry person.

They say there is a time and a place for everything. It wasn't the time, or the place. Will it ever be? Or am I caught up in a pipe dream.

Off topic......

I got a call from my Social Worker yesterday. She called to see what was going on with AISH. I told her I had no idea as I am a literal mushroom now. She did a check, and told me it said my paperwork, and the paperwork from my neurologist were both noted as being received. She said sometimes it can take upto 6 months to hear something from them. I told her I knew, and was patient. She said she'll keep checking and will let me know.

How funny is that? Being on AISH means I could sponsor someone for permanent residence in Canada, and I will end up on it, and able to do so....when I don't need that ability.

I think it's time to find myself another import. lol

Okay....threatening a complaint of harassment to April's boss seems to have stopped her dead in her tracks. She has disappeared again.

She has hit me alot, and beaten the shit out of me once....but the past fights with my ex have her going and telling everyone I am the violent one.

The fights were us blowing off steam, and usually wound up in hardcore sex for hours. It was actually quite nice at times. Infact the day April beat me up, and I sat there taking it...all I could think of was how good it felt, and how much I missed the feeling. Call me fucked up, but damn is that adrenaline and pain a turn on.

Our fights were equal. Most of the time she screamed while I restrained her. I never wanted to hurt her. The few times I did was out of frustration because she just wouldn't stop screaming.

*sigh*

I wonder if I could convince her to give me a friendly beating? lol

I miss the pain. Kris gets paid tomorrow.....I guess it's gonna be ink time for me. I'll tattoo the inside of my right wrist to feel the worst of it. Might get my inner elbow done too. That will kill. I just need to feel it. I need to talk to Conrad. I should go to the shop today, but...we'll see what happens.

I don't know what to do with myself now. I'm bored, lonely, pissed at april, and too tired to function.
I wish I could still do drugs, or atleast smoke. I need something. Tomorrow and the shop seems too far away. Even then I doubt I could get in there immediately. I might have to go to Dave. I dunno. I guess I'll see. Yeah....I should go down and look into it. Fuck....I don't wanna move! Blah!

Ah well.

Well, I just ran out of shit to say. So, I'm gonna go pace or some shit. I'll nap, or hop a bus or something.

I'm out!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014