Those who are close to me have met my ex, and met my gf. And in the words of my mom "you sure can tell the girls Amber goes for. Her preferance is obvious."

Tonight my girl spoke to my ex on the phone. From the looks of it neither of them wanted to get off the phone. Yeah, they are alike...very very much so. I can't help it if I know what I like. They are infact the same height, same weight, same hair color, and same body type. I know what I like dammit! lol

Well, ever since that call, I have heard all about how alike they are, how she can see a solid friendship, almost sister like forming. I think I created a monster. *sigh*

I suggested that Kris think of talking to her, and she thought about it, and saw it as being a good idea. I figured her gf spoke to me all the time, perhaps they should hve a chat or 50 too. If her girl wanted to be friends with me, atleast our girls won't feel left out.

After all, word has it that those 2 are flying here soon anyway. Don't ask me how I feel about this.....I don't know. I've been told she wants to be my friend, but I don't know that I can even go anywhere near there. She was the destruction of my heart and soul. I am but a fragment of what I was. I'm not mad, just scared of my own shadow now, and unsble to defend myself from her attacks. I don't think she'll ever be able to see the damage she did to me. Not that she'd even care anyway.

I still hear the laughing. As clear as if I just heard it. "how can I not? It's Char!" and the incessant laughing before the phone was hung up. The following moments was my sanity snapping, and my soul shattering. How can I ignore that? How can I move on? You need trust in any relationship, even friendship. There is no trust. I'm just waiting for the next axe to fall.

I wish I owned a gun. One bullet through the chin would end all this stress and pain. I need more ink. Reality is becoming more unbearable for me. I cut again the other night. It's been weeks since I finished my left inner forearm. It's been healed forever, and I'm falling apart again.

I wonder if I'll ever heal. If I'll ever be ok. In the last 2 years I have been a broken empty shell. How much longer must I be like this?

I love Kris, but I just can't feel close enough to her. I'm still holding back. Still pushing. Still breaking. Somedays I just can't see an end to any of this. Then I hear she wants no bad blood, and wants to talk to me, to be friends. How can I?

I just wish I owned a gun. A split second of pain, then art on the wall, and darkness. No more pain and confusion. No more fear.

I'm scared to death of her. I need to run, to escape. But. I'm trapped in this hell. I'm forced to face my demons. I just hope I can find the strength to not completely fall apart and self destruct.

Goddess give me the strength.....please?

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014