I've been thinking.

All I need right now is a hug. The one thing I can't have. The one thing to make me sane.

Oh, I could have had one. Except for the fact that it will cost a cigarette. Nice huh? I have to pay for hugs, because nicotine is more important than I ever will be.

I am shit.

People scrape me from the bottom of their shoe.

I am nothing to no one.

I just want to be heard, and held. I am denied all of it.

Fuck yeah it hurts! It hurts like fucking hell!

Something has got to change.

I am not really eating. I just lay there and feel the hunger. I let it consume me. That is a safe pain for me as I am craving cutting again. I always crave that feel of metal through flesh when I start to seriously hurt internally.

I just need an escape.

I quit smoking again, and do feel the cravings, but it is just another pain to cling to.

I can't believe that I am just a piece of shit because of a cigarette.

Makes me wonder if I am worth anything at all?

I've been deleting things. Pictures, emails, even diaries from my list. I am starting to erase her from my life. Yeah, it still hurts, the pain is still there, but I need to force myself to let go. Otherwise, I will just end up dead inside. If I want a future, and an ability to love again, then I need to heal, and move on.

Almost 8 months, and I still cry. I just don't understand how I have any tears left.

I just want it to end already. I want to feel better.

Oh yeah, and my non eating seems to be paying off. My weight is falling off of me now. Here I thought you were supposed to gain weight when you quit smoking, and here I am losing it. Well, there you go.

It's just really odd for me though. My jeans are 2 sizes smaller than the other ones that were snug on me a year ago, and now these smaller ones are starting to get baggy on me. Hopefully my head will heal soon, and then I can get out and do more shit. Then the weight will drop even more. I just want it off! I want to be unrecognizable to that cunt! I want her to walk past me in the street, and not even know that it's me.

I'll get there eventually. I just need patience and will power. Fuck anyone who thinks what I am doing is wrong. I eat twice a day still. Just smaller portions. Atleast I am eating something right?

I dunno. I am unwanted, unloved, and less than human judging by the fact that drugs and cigs are more important than me.

Fuck em all. We'll see who is wanted once I lose the weight. Just watch me go!

I'm out!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014