I would like to be important.

Easy to say isn't it? Everyone wants to be.

But me? I want to be the most important person in someones life. I want to be loved again, I want the ability to love, and especially trust. I want to grow with someone, and love them.

but....

The slightest white lie sets me off on a tangent that is so extreme I end up hating them for it. My trust issues are so bad now, that I am 100% unable to forgive or overlook even the smallest of lies. I get violently angry and hurt. Something stupidly simple makes me cry when I am alone now.

Trust....now there is a word.

Will I ever make it back to a point where I can feel ok with the person I am with.....in the sense of not tripping out if they talk to others? Why is it that everytime I develop some form of trust with someone, they seem to go out of their way to destroy it and me?

You know, I've been really sick for over a week now. In that period of time, I have been too ill to comprehend smoking. Because f that, I have no escape from what is going on in my head. All I can do anymore is cry. Everything results in tears now. It's sad you know, all I want is someone in my life, but I can't even comprehend that level of trust.

So, what comes to mind more than anything?

"I wish this illness would just fucking kill me. I'm dizzy, I'm nauseous, I'm hated. Just let me die".

Yeah, lovely isn't it. As I lay on my bed with the room spinning around me, I realize that my MS, and the problems that arise from it, will always be too much for anyone to handle.

I wish I had never felt that trust, safety, and security in the first place. It's been 7 months and I am no better off than I was in Feb. Everything has destroyed me. I want a life, and a love that I can't have. And no, not the thing itself, it can rot in it's drug induced hell. No, I would just like a love, a family, someone who can see past my faults as I have too many to count.

I know that I will never find a love that will complete me again. Part of me says "why bother?" but then the emotions kick in, the emptiness fills me, and I die inside. I can't trust enough to get close, and want nothing more than to get close.

I need a fucking psychologist! Not a psychiatrist mind you. I want someone who will help me, not just push pills on me. I just need help.

Things are seriously starting to come to a head. Either I hurry up and start living, or I just let myself slip into dying.

I'm craving cutting again. I can't seem to get away from that. In the last 2 years my scar collection has grown by leaps and bounds. In the last year alone I have become scarred in every place I never was before. The inner turmoil is so fucking bad, that I need to do something. If my head wasn't spinning so fucking bad, I think I would pierce my nipples. Anything just to feel some serious pain.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not alive, not dead....I just exist. I'm a fucking zombie in a world full of content ppl.

Oh sure, there is someone who tells me regularily that she loves me....but I can't, and don't believe her. They are words that roll ff me like they aren't real. That person has lied to me, and others. I saw it, and now every word they say is a lie. I just can't let myself forgive anyone anymore.

I sure as fuck don't have any issues. I AM a fucking issue. I'm just struggling for a reason to live. Not to exist....but to actually live! Because right now I am just existing, and watching everyone around me drift away. I scream at them to stay internally, but externally I just turn and let them go.

I need a hug. I need a hug that makes me feel safe. I need someone who is mean, strong, and bitchy to hold me.

I'm scared.

Of my thoughts? my health? my life? my loss? I dunno. I'm just scared of fucking everything, and everyone. I am so scared of rejection now, that I avoid ppl, and situations that can offer rejection.

Like I said....I AM an issue.

I can't eat anymore. I have to force myself to eat. I've noticed a disturbing pattern of almost anorexia showing in me. I used to eat uncontrollably.....but now it is the opposite. Now I just stop. I limit myself to a meal a day that is like a snack. After I eat that I feel ill. I fight with that shit all the time. I either eat constantly, or not at all. Hmmmm....maybe I should lock this diary, or delete that?

It's disturbing how happy I get when I look in the mirror to see that my cheeks are hollowing out, and my cheekbones are more prominent. I seem to be turning myself into something I have never been in the last 5 years.

I am getting more ink, planning more piercings, my hair is getting really long, I am burning off my weight. I am becoming unrecognizable to the ones who ripped me to shreds in my past. It's all just another way for me to hide from the world.

Too bad I don't have the balls for plastic surgery.

I have been thinking about dreads lately. I think I could easily pull them off. Dreads when you have an undercut look hot to me. I just love that, especially with dark hair, and shit woven in them. I like that. Maybe one day.

Well, my head hurts, I've cried too much, my vertigo has me feeling gross, and I am too fucking sad to function now. All I do anymore is cry. I think it's about time for me to crack open my Flower Essences, and do up a formula to help me through this. I need to grow past this, but am at a crossroads, and am nailed to the road.

I dunno, maybe later I'll see what I have, and what I need.

Something has got to change!

Live or Die......I can't stand this grey area I am in.

I keep trying to hunt for someone new, and keep freezing up from it. I just need something to change.

I'm out!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014