I just want to be alone.

To sit here in silence, trapped in my head. I found an article of clothing in my closet.....it smelled like her. I broke down. I just can't handle it.

I want to die.

I want the pain to stop....but it won't.

3 months of sheer and utter hell.

Will it ever end?

I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to. No one fucking understands, they never will. They didn't understand us when we were together, now they don't understand my reaction to it being over. No one will ever understand me, or my feelings.

Have you ever loved someone so hard that you woke up in the morning happy because you knew they were alive? Have you ever held your breath when you heard someone coming up the stairs, and let it out with a smile when they walked in the door? Have you ever felt complete, whole, and truly happy just sitting in silence in the same room as someone. Not worried if there is something wrong, just happily co-existing? Have you ever been flattered so much that it brought you to tears? Complimented by someone where the look in their eyes matched the words...the words weren't empty? Have you ever been able to have a conversation with someone just by looking at them? Just knowing their thoughts? Have you ever been with someone who didn't have to ask "what's wrong?" they just knew, and knew what to do to make you feel better. Have you ever sat in a room, with that person in the next room, and missed them so much you had to follow them? Have you ever loved someone so completely that you could forgive them anything? Have you ever loved someone so deeply that blatant lies, that you saw right through, you just accepted because you wanted them to be happy? Have you ever loved someone so much that you found yourself sleeping curled upto their clothing, just so you could smell them, so you could sleep? Have you ever loved someone so much that when they are screaming, spitting, and turning purple, you look at them and think "God is she beautiful" and the words coming out no longer matter? Have you ever loved someone so much that when you lost them, your will to live went with them? Have you ever loved someone so much that you were content to walk away, just so they could be happy....even though the act itself makes you die inside, and makes every waking moment since complete hell?

Have you ever loved someone, and when they told you that they loved you, you actually believed them?

My body is rejecting pot. I can't smoke it anymore, and frankly, after saturday I don't want to. I am out of smokes, and have no money. I can't even fucking drink. All my escapes are gone. April sleeps on the couch now.....she and Satan go to bed at the same time on mon and tues nights.

Tonight....I have no choice, I have no escape...I need to run, to escape, to feel the shock. Tonight I am going to put razor to flesh again. I just can't live like this. The pain has mee not caring about anything. I don't want to eat anymore. I have to force myself to sleep, then I can't wake up. I don't smile anymore, I just cry. I can't even handle talking to friends anymore. I get emails that I can't answer. I'm fucking slipping under....I just can't take it anymore.

Why now? Why 3 months later? Was I in denial? Was I too drugged up to notice? Was I ignoring? Why is it killing me now? Why do I want to die now?

Maybe I should just use that article of clothing to hang myself? Then I'll atleast die with her scent lingering around me.

She was my soulmate. She made me feel whole. I am hollow and empty, and living in my own personal hell.

What hurts me most, is everytime I go into something in my apartment, I find more drawings by the kids, or love notes from her. It's all fucking killing me.

But....

I'm glad she is happy and content. I'm glad she followed her happiness instead of coming back to my hell.

As for me?

Well, in time I'll find a gun.

Then the pain will stop.

I just can't take anymore.

Maybe I should check myself into the mental hospital so I can be drugged out of my skull...that will help me to forget....or atleast not care.

Why now?
Why here?
Why this?

I just don't understand. All I know is I am an empty shell of a person now, and no one will ever get close to me again. I will be alone...by choice.

I just can't do this again.

I just can't do this period.

I wish someone understood, and could help me. But no one does, and they never will. No one knows the connection, the understanding, or the syncronicity. I am beyond help, and right now I just want the pain to pull me under. I want darkness.

I want it to be over.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014