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~Deep in thought~ Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005 - 12:04 PM I seem to speak my thoughts and feelings best through music. I always have. I fight everyday with the loss of someone I was inlove with. The pain seems to never get any better. I get laughed at, and tortured....but I am what I am, and if there was no love, then I would walk away as easily as I did from Russ, and Shawn. But no, this time was real, and it was right down to my core. Oh ya, I now for a fact that things will never be as they were, even if she attempted to come back, I would say no. The last thread of trust was broken, many lies came to light after it all, and I realized that 90% of everything was a lie, a story made up....just plain bullshit. Infact I question all the times she said she loved me. I think that was bullshit too. But, my emotions, my feelings....they were real. As real as it gets. Sometimes I seriously feel bad for April. I know she wants me, and I know she wants me bad too. But, I have nothing to offer. I had trust issues to begin with.....now it isn't a matter of trust, it isn't a matter of anything. I just won't let anyone near me at all. Not after what I have been going through for the last 3 months. The pain is still as bad as it was .....only now I can ignore it most of the time, and just exist. I'm not living, I'm existing. And I sit here, and I watch her lies spill out about me. I'm no angel. I never said I was. Infact before she came here for the first time, I told her I was mean, violent, and a cold bitch. She came anyway. She bit by bit chipped away at that tough exterior, and worked her way into my heart. Just to rip it out and laugh at me. She was the only one I let in, and I worry every day that I will never let another in. She knew my thoughts when I thought them. We could have conversations just by looking at eachother. She used to always say "Us against Them" and I believed her when she said it. She took care of me as much as I did her...if not more. I wasn't ready to lose that. Not when I finally opened my heart to her. Not when I finally relaxed. 3 months after 5 years....just a drop in the bucket. Ya, it still fucking hurts, and ya, I have to move on. But as much as I try, the ache in my heart, the tears behind my eyes, and the wish to perish are always there. I wish someone understood. IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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