There is one final thing that I have to say in regards to this Claire business......

If you want a piece of me, then start fucking swimming......oh yeah! That's right! YOU CAN'T SWIM! Awe shucks.

You can't mentally destroy me, and I really don't give a fuck anymore. You of all ppl should know how easily it is for me to turn cold towards someone who I don't trust. You saw it with Rhonda, you saw it with Amber, now it's with you. After this, you will no longer exist to me.

You see....I did some thinking. And I got some realizations.....

I haven't wanted to be with you since early 2002. I didn't see it until I finally started to get better, and get happier. Now I see it. I was there for 2 reasons from what I can figure out. 1) The kids and 2) I was so low on myself that I thought no one else would ever want me, so I had to stay with you. Oh yeah, I love you, but I haven't been in love with you for more than 2 months in the whole of the almost 5 years.

No, I sit and look at the lies, destruction, and bullshit, and I see something I don't want. When weighing out the pro's and con's....there are way more con's. No more worries about food because I saw you eat a months worth in a week. Nope, we have play money, food, bills are paid....shit is good here. Things are stable, and comfy.

I realized tonight, that I seriously did reach a point on weds where I didn't want you. The shock of hearing stabbed me, but right now I am happy that I escaped the rut I was in. I have made it so that I can't stalk you at all. You have to create a new everything, and I won't know about it, so I won't think about it. Nope, I am ejecting both you from my life, and me from yours.

I am finally content. No more pain, no anguish, and no stress. I finally had the chat I wanted to have. I have asked to be able to call you since the beginning of dec, because I wanted out. I wanted finality, I wanted to say goodbye. I quietly went this morning. Then Char started to email me. I wanted to just part, and leave it at that. With this entry I shall.

I suppose the only regret I can say I have, is that you never got to see the real me. (that and tried B.C. chronic) Yeah, shit was bad, but only because of timing. You arrived in Canada right after my MS came out, and were here for the diagnosis. You watched me go through hell from that. You saw me get bitter, mean, and hate myself and the world. Then you saw me fall apart from my dads shit, and by that time you killed my trust, and I was too fucked up to deal with it.
In the end, it was hell...absolute hell. I have no idea how you stuck around as long as you did.

Then in 2003 you killed the last shred of trust with drugs. It's your perogative, I just thought to highly of you I guess. Shortly after that I finally accepted my MS. You came here for xmas, and I cried at new years. Then from feb on it was amazing. No fighting, closer than ever...but deep inside I think we both were ignoring the real shit...the past. Then you left, I started to inject, got healthier, happier, and more like the old me. I was me before you came, and me after you left. You missed seeing the funloving me who laughs, and isn't bitter. But, I can say I owe you alot. You kept me alive through the bad times, and for that I am grateful, and always will be.

Oh, I know you and Char will have a big laugh over this, and good for you. If I was you I would. But it ends here. No more emails. No more words. No more anything. I won't respond to any of it from now on. I realized that not being with you was something I wanted last week, so I sent the email to you. I need someone who can work, be happy, not flake out so easily. I am so mellow now that I just want to relax, and giggle. I am someone you have never known.....except for maybe the first week we spoke on the phone...or the comp even. Before the CJ lies started. No, you never knew me. And that's a shame.

Be bitter, angry, make me look like the antichrist. It doesn't bother me. Nothing you say can be proven or disproven. She will never be here to see with her own eyes, you can say whatever you want to. I learned that the hard way. But, I always learn from my mistakes. From now on, I will date women from Edmonton. No questions left unanswered that way. Instead, the truth will remain before my eyes.

Yes, I love you, and a part of me always will love you no matter what. It will be put next to the part of my soul that still loves russ in it's own way. I won't bother dwelling on the negative. I will remember chicken milk, and flocons de lapin. I will remember the cream fights, melted phone and pizza. You kept me alive, and stood by my side when I couldn't deal with the diagnosis, and wanted to die.

Thank you.

You don't now....but if you ever need a friend in the future, you can count on me. I do owe you my life....literally.

Goodbye Claire. I wish you no ill will. I hope you find your true happiness one day. I am sorry for everything I put you through. Who knows, maybe in 10 years we will cross paths, have a coffee, then part ways....but I doubt it. Life is what you make it. Be yourself no matter what. You are a better person than you let yourself believe, and I hope one day you see in you, what I did.

I never claimed to be a nice person, and you saw me at my worst. I wish that just once you could have seen me at my best.

No Char, I don't want her. She is too much for me to handle now. There was a time when I thought I could, but now I see the reality, and I know that she is too much for me. I will never know why she stayed as long as she did. For years I thought she was just running from home. Only she knows, and even then I wonder if she does know at all? But, I know I am a better person for knowing her, and I do owe her my life. Maybe I can repay that debt in the next life? But not this one.

I honestly wish you both happiness, Claire needs it in her life. I put her through absolute hell. It wasn't intentional, I was just sad. Things change, and ppl change. She is in the rut I put her in, and I am out of mine and happy. No more games, questions, acusations, or wars of words. No, just even silence. I wish to part without animosity. Claire has enough stress in her life.

If either of you ever need help, I am here. But I never want to be dragged into anything, or abused for existing.

Good luck in your futures.

Be good to eachother.

Know when to walk away.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014