I don't like change. Infact I hate it more than anything.

But I don't think she wants me, or is in love with me anymore. I truly believe it's over now.

On weds she is supposed to call me at 3am my time, so I can call her back, and we can talk. I made the firm decision that I will walk if she doesn't call, and we don't talk. You see, the last time she called me was Oct.6th. It's still on my phone. She hasn't called since. I am the one who buys the cards, and calls her. But I haven't actually had a conversation with her since about the 19th of nov. I had called her 2x in dec, but both times she blew me off. No, weds will say it all.
I was supposed to call her yesterday, but got an email saying she was asleep. I set my alarm if I think I might be talking to her. I put effort into it. There are just too many things. She doesn't even try to contact me at all. This is all one sided, and I deserve better.
So, if I hear nothing on weds, then I am just going to walk away from it all. She obviously doesn't need me, apparently doesn't want me. What is the point in staying? She wouldn't even know me now anyway.

Since xmas I have lost approximately 20 pounds. Possibly more. My hair is getting long, I have my septum pierced now, and my attitude is that of what it was in '99. I am independant, free, and crazy as all fuck again. I don't spend all my time online anymore, instead I am doing other things. I'm getting to know who I am, and to discover what I am like alone.
Goddess knows I don't want to walk away. I told Jay in an email that it wouldn't kill me if I did. But the truth is, I love her. She is everything to me. But my love isn't reciprocated. I am flogging a dead horse. I guess what hurts most, is that in 3 weeks we were to celebrate 5 years. But it looks like we won't be making it. That's tearing me apart. There is fuck all I can do about it though. Things are as they are. I'm alone, am shown no love, and feel like I am unwanted. I try all the time, it gets brushed off. I do believe it is done. There is nothing more I can do.

I think about the fact that I am about to be given the money to fly her here. And I think about it. It really fucking hurts me, because although I could fly her here, I don't think she truly wants to come, I think she showed that in Nov, when she didn't get on the plane. And say I did fly her here....after a while she flys home again. When I think about it, I don't see anything past her going home. I just don't see a future with her anymore. I used to see us eventually married in Vancouver, and living to our 90's together. But now....now I see nothing.
I truly think I have spent the last 2 months lying to myself. I am sure it ended in Nov. but she is scared to be alone, so she feeds me bullshit to keep me around. But bullshit isn't good enough anymore. My health is improving, and I can see that I have something to offer someone now. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore. I'm not afraid that I will spend the rest of my life alone because no one else will ever want me. No, I just hate change so much that I put up with bullshit to avoid it. But lately, I feel like I did when I left Russ. I feel deserving of more. It's funny how I use body mods to escape ppl. After I blew off Russ, I did the tat on my calf. I did my septum in regards to Jay, and will be getting other things done as soon as it is final.
My mind tells me that if I get a body mod, then they no longer know what I look like naked, and thus I have escaped them. I hate the fact that I can never let go. I always ride things out to the bitter end. I can never leave when it is in my best interest. Instead I torture myself with letting them treat me like utter shite because I just want to be loved. I'm forever searching for what I never had as a child. Yay me. *sigh*

Well, it looks like I am at the end of all of this. Then the pix will be taken down in my apt., removed from my diary, and I will begin my attempt at some form of normality. Who knows, maybe I'll switch to Shaw so my email addy is changed. I dunno, I think I may disappear as far as she is concerned. Of course I will still be around, but considering her lack of access to anything that is needed for contact, simply changing my email addy will have her locked out of my life. But, I am jumping the gun. It all lays in her actions weds morning.

What happens weds morning shall dictate my next action. But, walking away shall be an option even after that. For if she calls, we will talk, and it will be decided. I am planning on confronting her on her feelings, and deciding from there. It's Sept. '99 all over again. History repeats itself constantly. One day I hope someone will actually stay. I just personally feel that she has grown out of me, and what I have to offer her. To each his own. Life goes on. It just sucks when shit changes.

Well, enough.

I'm going to bed.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014