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~Holy Crap!~ Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005 - 10:40 PM I just spent the last 2 and a half hours doing what took me a week to do in oct/nov. I just totally cleaned my apartment. Swept, washed, and scrubbed both floors. As well as finally took my boxes from my xmas tree upstairs, and rearranged my storage room. After all of that, my body has just started to tire a bit, but I am still full of energy. 2 months ago I couldn't do this shit! Infact, I haven't been able to do this since 2001!!!!!! Fuck yeah the drugs are working!!!! So, now I am relaxing a bit, then I'm gonna have a nice relaxing lavender and chamomile bubble bath. I feel so fucking good right now. Physically yes, but mentally especially. I don't need help anymore, I can't fucking believe it! So many ppl hate to clean, and me? I haven't been able to do it without my muscles giving out and me dropping after like 10 min. I'M GETTING MY LIFE BACK!!!! All I hear is these ppl worried I will stop injecting if I have a relapse. The drugs have done this to me, given me this normality back, they are causing me to lose weight. I'm bawling like a fucking baby right now because I am gaining faith in the possibility of having a normal life again. Like fuck I'll ever stop! There was a point in time when I couldn't walk the block to my corner store. Now I can travel anywhere....the proof is in me going to Whyte and hanging out. I now see what they all talk about. There was a story I was told about a woman who was wheelchair bound, and close to being bed ridden, who is now jogging.....all because of an MS drug therapy. I see it, I feel it. I know it. I don't sit all headfucked asking myself who would want me when I am a fucking gibble. Now I see me for who I was, and possibly will be again. I carried a fucking box up the stairs without the aid of a railing, walking up normally. at xmas I couldn't do that.....now I can! I know I am going on and on about the same thing, but when you are unable to walk, sit, or sleep without intense pain, and agony, then suddenly it stops, and the weakness starts to recede.....well...until you have lived where you see yourself as possibly being in a wheelchair soon. You will never understand the joy of being given a second chance. I have a real future. I can feel it. Jay is either with me, or not. At this point, I'm not gonna worry about it. You see, I feel the relationship died the moment she chose not to get on the plane. Since then I have been trying, but she hasn't. If I walk on weds. it will hurt, but not as bad as what one would expect. I am used to being alone, tired of being hurt, capable of being with another if I want, and able to look after myself, and my son. I am independant again, and loving every new discovery I have each day pertaining to that. No, I won't be hurt as bad as I would have been 2 months ago with walking away. I have been hurt so much in the last 2 months, that I think I will just end up relaxing. Hell, I was actually dancing yesterday. My balance is starting to come back now. I'm listening to the shit I was into in '99, and relaxing. I need to get to know me again. Each new discovery changes who I am. I still have a sharp tongue, but the cynicism is backing off. I am becoming happier. The suicidal undercurrent is receding as well. Nah.....I need me time I think. I left my last ex because of less than what Jay has done to me, but my low self worth kept me in this hell. I spent 4 months after him, getting used to me, and being alone, and enjoying life alone. I almost crave that again. I think if I bring Jay here, it might be the last time, but then again....have we outgrown eachother? Perhaps. We shall see. Well, just about time to run my bath I think. Fuck I feel great! IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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