Well, in approximately 19 hours I will know if I am becoming single again, or not.

It's more likely that I will walk than stay, I just hope my strength holds up. My best friend knows what's up now, so chances are he will start to steal me on weekends again. That's one way to keep me sane.
Last night was really hard for me. I started to hardcore emotionally crash. Then my asshole voice of reason started talking to me out of nowhere...and ya, you're a cunt for talking to me...heh...and by the time the convo was over, and I was about to implode....I got offline, and just couldn't be bothered. So I laid in bed watching keeping up appearances, then I just gave up, turned on my stereo, and shut off my t.v. It was so fucking hard to slow my emotions down enough to fall asleep. The internal ache is so fucking bad, that I swear cutting my heart out with a spoon would feel good.

*sigh*

I really don't think I'll be sleeping at all tonight. Deep inside I expect there to be no call, and part of me almost hopes there will be no call. Although I can't even say that because I need finality. I need to verbally say goodbye. Then I need to decide wether or not to bother with this diary anymore. It is after all, a testament to my relationship with Jay. It was started just after we had been together for a year, shortly before she flew home the first time, after we met in person. It has all the kids, every lie she told me, and every fight we had. It has my pain from my diagnosis in here too, as I was diagnosed with MS about a month after starting this diary. All the bad is in here, some of the good is too, but not alot really. Most of that I would keep to myself, as it was rare that I was happy back then.

Well, I am finally able to lock up, and none too soon mind you. Some freak in Australia has read over 600 entries in here, and it tripped me out hardcore. I hope they enjoy coming back to a password prompt. Fucking cunt! I was open for what? 4 days? And already have some obsessed fuck reading every aspect of my life. I can understand a few here and there, but not hundreds in a 5 hour sitting. Run along you roo freak.

So, where do we go from here? I don't know. All I know is that I can't sit idly by, and watch my life drift past me. I need to find someone who wants to be with me. Someone who doesn't ignore me, forget about me, and hurt me constantly. I preferred Russ using me for sex. Atleast I saw him every few days. I'm not happy with her, I might as well be happy alone. I really don't see her attempting to stay in contact with me, or come back to me. The importance just isn't there. Who knows, maybe some fucking miracle will happen, and she will change my mind, or try to. But I doubt it. I truly doubt it.

I just wrote an email to her mom explaining everything. That there is a 90% chance I am gonna walk, and why I am. I asked her mom to keep an eye on her for me.

I can't type anymore. I hurt too fucking bad.

I love her more than life itself, but she isn't mine anymore. I have to let her go.

JUST FUCKING KILL ME!!!!!!!!!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014