It's funny hope ppl percieve others as specific ppl. I for one have many faces. I am the mother, the protector, the domme, the bitch, the child, the psychopath, the freak, the suicide dream.

People choose to see me for who they want to know. They see my strength, or my weaknesses. My sexuality, or security. I am everyones wet dream, or worst nightmare. But am I really any of this?

Everything is part of a bigger picture, a larger whole. It is but pieces of me, fragments of who I am. People pick and choose what fragments they want to see, and brush off the others. Perhaps that is why I tend to be wanted, but once they have me, they don't know what to do with me.

Nos is hurt, I found out this morning that he got nailed in the face with an iceball, it broke his glasses, and lodged a chunck of glass into his cornea. Not fun. He is wearing a patch for the next 2 months. They aren't sure if he is ever going to see out of that eye again, or if it can be saved at all. This news brought the mom out in me. We both went into the chatroom, and the usual antics started up, flirting and shit, and then he threw me for a loop. He stated outright that he wants to curl up in my lap and cuddle for a few hours. I backed off with that comment. It stung me. I'm still stinging.

Why did it sting? Because 99% of the time I am everyones whore. So, I play the part. It almost scares me when someone throws a human or tender statement. I guess in the end I see myself as more of an object than a person. I kinda always have. I am a tool to be used for ppls pleasure. Being not human in my own head is easier, if I'm not human, I can't be hurt. Forever on guard. Forever full of fear. Forever trusting no one. It's so fucking sad. I get ppls addresses so I can send shit. But do I hand out mine? No. I freeze up. I feel like I am forcing myself on them, or they will stalk me, or maybe they won't write it down because they won't give a fuck? I don't know. I just freeze up. I hand it out to those who ask, but if I'm not asked, I say nothing.

Even those of us with the most self assurance in the world fear their own shadow. I know who I am, where I am in life, where I am going, and what I am doing. I have comfort in my own skin, I know my body, and how to use it. I am aware I am not ugly, and I am aware I can tempt the pants off of almost anyone I want. But......I fear. I fear any form of intimacy. Oh there is physical intimacy, thats nothing. It's emotional intimacy I fear.

In the past I have opened myself up to ppl in small ways. Each ending in tears. Then in Feb.....I opened myself up to Jay. After 4 years of a relationship, I relaxed, and I let her in. I don't think she ever saw it for what it was. I let her in to a part of me that no one has ever seen or known. I don't regret alot of things in life, as I make my choices at the times I make them, for the reasons I make them. But, I have to say...I regret opening myself up to Jay. I regret trusting her with me. I do regret that.

I'm 29 years old. I am alone. I am cold. I wouldn't say I am bitter, more like I am jaded. I look like I let ppl get close to me, but I don't. I give them scraps of who I am, and hope they might want to know more, but they never do. I lead a life of seclusion. I suppose in alot of ways that is a good thing. But in other ways....well, it's lonely in here.

It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would like to have someone understand me, not just see me for who they want me to be. But alas....it's all just dreams of a life that doesn't exist.

Then I start my reflection on the last year. New years eve '03...I sat next to Jay with a Mike's Hard Lemonade, and when midnight hit, I bawled my eyes out because 2003 was over. After the drug binges, and lies, and secrets. I just wanted it over. I held hope for 2004. I had no worries. Infact I spent most of the year relaxed, feeling in love, opened myself upto Jay, and settled in to be happy. September came, and I was told she was going to be gone for 2 weeks, then she would be back. I put her on a plane relaxed, happy, and in love. That day was the last day of that comfort.

The 2 weeks was a lie told by her mom. 2 months later she had a flight, but chose not to get on it. Since then, she has stopped talking to me almost completely. I begged, pleaded, cut, and did a few other things I choose not to mention. I fell apart repeatedly. An now? If I said I was indifferent, it wouldn't be a lie. I suppose you reach a point in pain, where you shut down, and just can't feel it anymore. Or, you bottom out, and it has maxed itself into oblivion.

I feel lonely now. I'm not all that bothered by Jay anymore. I just wish I had more friends in real time. Now I want to do shit, and hang out, and be an ass. Friends on a computer is ok, but it isn't the same by any means. I just want to hang out in a cafe drinking Iced Mochas, and laughing at stupid ppl as they walk by. I want to go into second hand shops looking for treasures. Or hang in Ascendant Books getting high off the incense and oils. Then buzz around downtown, looking for trouble. I just want to have fun. I suppose my ideal would be to just have a friend that I could be close to, who won't mind me laying my head in their lap while we watch cheesy movies.

I just want to hang with someone who is almost, if not as twisted as me. Sex isn't even all that important, and having a partener isn't all that important. But having someone to be an ass with is. I am hoping that Lizz does come into the city, and that we do hit it off. She strikes me as someone I could be an ass with.

*sigh*

I am bringing the new year in alone. I will be sitting in my bedroom with music on, and probably won't even notice. Not that it's a bad thing....but I kinda wanted to bring it in at The Roost this year. There is just something about the gay community at new years. Most of them are drunk by midnight, and everyone is always so fucking happy. Yeah, that was my wish this year, but sitting in a warm apt with my rabbits is good enough for me. Atleast I don't have to worry about assholes.

Well, enough pondering me, my life, and 2003. I came into 2004 with tears, and am going out alone. I don't know what to make of 2005 anymore, and personally I don't want to think about it.

I'm gonna go make a couple of chicken kievs....I haven't eaten real food in about 3 days now. It's time to do so.

Night,

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014