Okay, so I am gonna translate some convos into amberisms here....
A wise man told me tonight that I am basically a perpetual tease. I apparently have the appearance of being eternally single, but am untouchable because I am taken. We;ll....I seriously pondered this thought. So, for the hell of it, I threw it out into the chatroom I hang in. Oddly enough 90% of them agreed, the other 10% gave me shit foe being a tease. With that said, I sat back and pondered until my ponderer broke. It makes sense when I think about it. I never could understand why all these ppl gave me cam invites, and why all these chicks were flashing me, and guys were all over me. I'm safe....I guess. Now this of course makes me wonder if it's a good thing or bad. Do ppl flirt out of desire? Or safety? Is there interest? Or just a need to play with someone safe? It's alot of headfuck for 4:30am I tell ya. I hate when ppl make me think. Okay I mean in a room of like 40 ppl, I get about 30 of them getting all pervy on me. I admit as a Domme I get alot of shit thrown at me, but I gather a few to be genuine in what they say. One being Nikee. Nikee tries really hard to gain and hold my attention. She freely announces to the room that I am the only female she has ever wanted to dominate her, as she prefers men. But she states she wants it from me, and always says things like *sits quietly at Lady Ivy's feet* and shit like that. Who knows, could just be a hobby. Meph has thoughts of coming up from LV to visit, and play. But he also leads me to believe he wants more. It kinda freaks me out a bit. I really don't like ppl trying to get close to me. I admit he is everything I look for in a ale, but he is also american, and I really am sick of this other country bullshit. Then there is Nos....he is trying his best to appeal to me. Out of nowhere he decided to start dry humping my leg...all I did was show him my pic when he asked. After that I had to beat him off with a baseball bat. But he is sweet though. But still the freakout over the threat of a new person. He's a Jersey boy...another other country no-no. Then there is Dawg....mmmm mighty fine brit with the same issues as me. Totally antisocial, lacking in trust, preferring his own company, and a fucked up sens of humor. I spent all of xmas eve talking to him, and most of xmas. Dawg is coming to Alberta in 2006, and is going to visit the chick that lives 30 min from here.....then he is going 2 hrs south. He figures he'll stop here for a few while he is here. I think that'll be cool. I just hope I'm not alone here or I'll fucking freak out. I'm too antisocial to handle anything, and I am worse after this 2 week stint of it just being me. I get anxiety about going outdoors now. Yay me!
So ya, there are others of interest, but we will leave that alone.........Then there is Jay.
What about Jay? Well, I don't know. I recieve a message a week now. No kore emails, the last was on neopets. Basically just says she still loves me, and is sorting shit. Thats about it. Like throwing a drop of water to someone in a desert. My morals keep me in limbo as I need finality to move on, but without a final convo I can't move on. So in limbo I sit. No I don't enjoy this. No I can't handle it, and yet I do break down alot. But withought a proper goodbye I'm fucked. My energies now are in finding a proper sub to play with. Now some ppl would think this is an easy task. Well, it isn't. Too many idiots think sex is involved, or are whiny lil ass kissers. I like attitude, and spirit. Something to break, and train. But not too much spirit where it becomes a chore. I don't ask for much physically really. Just a face that doesn't need a bag over it, and a body with a few extra pounds as I like em cushy. lol Look at me, I look like I am doing an ad in the paper or some shit. But I just want my thoughts out so I can sleep. Fucking mass thoughts are killing me. I just want someone to play with and take care of. I guess I am craving mothering a sub. I like the protective domme role in life. Hmmmm....maybe one day. If I ever find someone worthy and available. Sitting in limbo sucks fucking ass I tell ya. I want to progress, to live, to be able to smile. But insead I am trapped in a lil glass box. I can see out, but can't go anywhere. My neomails aren't read, my emails aren't read...I get 2 lines of a note every so often. There is no contact, and no nothing. I'm about fed up too. I was told a possible flight in Jan. Jan is here in 2 days.....we shall soon see. And I ask myself....is she worth the wait? I knew the answer one upon a time. Now I am not so sure. I just don't know anymore. It seems to be more hassle than happiness. My mind grips onto the past, but can't really see a future. It's all very confusing really. I suppose when the time comes I'll figure it out. Until then......why the fuck can't I just find a decen sub?????
