I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me
You used to captivate me By your resonating life Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along
I'm dying inside. I am at the crossroads. You aren't coming back, you won't even call me, or email anymore. You get online for neopets, but don't say a word to me. You send me a tiny note once a week saying some bullshit line about supposedly loving me. You basically throw me a bone. But it isn't good enough anymore. You left me 100% alone on xmas. No call, no email, no fuck you. Nothing. I'm going to have to walk away from you soon. I knew this was going to come the day you chose not to fly. At that moment I knew it was all over. That it died in that moment. That I died. You went out, and enjoyed your day. I sat at home alone waiting for you to call. I was at my moms for 3 hours, then came home. As it got later and I realized you weren't going to call. The dark closed in on me again, the pain flared up, the sting from Rhetta started up again, and now I sit here. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer wish to live. I am in my own personal hell. I can't do this anymore Jay. You were my sanity once. Now I have nothing. My body may breathe, and may walk around, but inside I will be dead. To feel, to live...that is my torture. You have ripped every shred of sanity, happiness, and comfort out of me. I am laying in my bed at night, praying to the goddess, hoping she hears me. Praying for my heart to just stop. Praying to fall asleep and never wake up. I don't want this life, this pain, this hell I live in. But I am stuck on this earth for Kristian. I hide my pain from him. But I am sure he knows. I can't stop crying. Rhetta is dead. I can't accept that. I can't handle telling K on tuesday. You are long gone now. No matter what you say, she has won. You have no contact with me. I'm not even allowed to call. She won, that in itself makes me want to throw myself out a window in frustration. Slowly bit by bit I am losing everything around me. Everyone wants me as a friend or a fuck. I just want someone to love me for me, and to sleep next to me at night. I don't care what sex they are anymore. I just don't want to sleep alone anymore. I miss Russ so bad lately. He used me like a whore for sex, but atleast I saw him, and had that. You just emailed going on about how I just don't understand how things are. I understand that there was a point in time when you stood up for yourself, and fought to have contact with me. Now....well, I think I am just a name. Something you can use to say "see? I have a gf. I'm not a loser". The paper thin excuses fall apart before my eyes. Everything is "my mom wants on, I'll be on when she's done" but alas....you never are. It's all just empty words that tear through me like hot knives. I just can't take it anymore. You aren't a gf, or even a friend anymore. I speak to acquaintances more than you. I miss feeling calm, relaxed, loved. Everything is so cold. So empty. So alone.
I don't live, I survive. Somedays I wonder why I bothered surviving birth. My mom didn't want me, all my ex's left me, and now you. I reflect on my life, and what I have done. I have made no significant difference in anything, or anyone. I am the same fuck up I was when I was 18 living on the street. Only now I can barely walk, can't enjoy sex, and find a simple smile hurts more than anything to do. Call me a drama queen if you will, but I have no positive influence around me. I go all day without my phone ringing, or speaking. I hear my voice when I speak to the rabbits, but thats it. I am heavily torn and falling apart. My dad calls me up bawling his eyes out talking about Rhetts.That alone is killing me. The sound of my father in pain, falling apart...It's all I can do to comfort him.
I just can't take anymore. I'm sorry, but I have to cut again. I don't have the cash to pierce anything.
