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~here we go again~ Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004 - 7:56 PM I feel like a fucking rollercoaster. Up and down so fucking much that I'm getting dizzy. Depression much? Hell ya! Why? Well, for the last week I have been attempting to do the xmas tree. I don't want it up, but figure Satan needs it. So, I am fighting with it. I was all positive about it tonight, mind set on it. Then I opened a bag to find all of the kids stockings from the past years. I sat looking at them, and it broke my heart. I snapped at satan because he was all in my face, and after sitting in the living room alone, I left him to play his game cube, and came back up to my room. I'm trying really hard to put the fucker up. I really am. It's just everytime I start I see something that knocks me back down, and then I want to open a vein. Did I mention I am gonna be 100% alone for xmas? Satan wants santa to visit him at my moms. So, I will be home alone. I'll be sitting here alone on xmas eve, and will wake up in the morning alone. Then in the late afternoon I'll have to figure out a way to get to my moms. Then I have dinner...which I won't eat....and then I am taken home to sit alone again. In there somewhere will be a fight with my mom, as usual. But this time I won't have the voice of reason saying "Ambs...just leave her to it okay? Just for tonight". Fuck. Typing that just made me cry. I just want to weigh myself at my moms. That's the only reason I am going. Why can't I just fall asleep and wake up in january? Pregunto carnero que har� por a�o nuevo vivos. Yo no quiero a, y planeo no a. Pero lo que decimos y hacemos son 2 cosas de diff. La �nica cosa en mi manera es Satan�s, y para mostrar cu�nto de una madre buena que soy. ..I tuvo un sue�o que �l fue golpeado por un coche que cruza la calle en su manera a o de la escuela. ..killed instant�neamente. Entonces tropec� fuera, llam� a mis padres, dejaron caer cada p�ldora en este lugar, y se durmi�. Nunca despertar. �La mam� agradable qu�? Mato a mi hijo lejos en mis sue�os apenas tan yo puedo morir. Not a word from Jay today. Not one syllable. I get excited when I get an email, I crash when I don't.
Spent most of the day in BA:1. Had some fun with it, was given a cam show. It was amusing. � tutto surreale a me nonostante. Tutte le persone felici ovunque. Guardo le luci di natale e voglio lanciarmie fuori dalla finestra. La statistica dice che questa stagione � quando la maggioranza di suicidii succede. Sono quasi pronto a andare. Ho 2 settimane di � solo venendo. Sull'anno nuovo che neanche sar� abbracciato. Sono solo. 100% perfettamente solo. Se decido di fare qualcosa, nessuno pu� fermarme. Nessuno � vicino a. Sono tutto lo scabbed su adesso. � un ha lasciato gi�. Non duole, non ci � scossa. Vado avere a lei ancora questo fine settimana. Ho bisogno di a. Ho bisogno di sentire qualcosa diverso da questo. I can't fucking eat anything anymore. My body is rejecting it all now. Not that I care. I am just tired of the abdominal cramping from a piece of bread. Oh well. I'm gonna go listen to Seether, and play a game on neopets.
IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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