I actually got 5 hours of sleep last night. It's amazing.

My sleep deprivation backed off a bit. My insanity backed off a bit, and even my sex drive has slowed making me less of a perv, or stalker. Thank god!

My flirting is down to a minimum again. I seem to have popped human pills after peaking in perviness last night. I was actually able to have a couple of conversations this morning that had nothing to do with sex. Yay me!

Now, with this news on the verdict, I of course ran into BA:1 screaming it. They in turn have decided that if Jay and I were to get married, I had to invite all those freaks. Geez, that would be funny as fuck. All that metal and ink. The wedding party would look like a fucking tattoo convention! It would be kickass though.

I have also decided that I am going to be the first same sex bigamist dammit! Mwuahahahahahaha!!!

So this guy Aaron is pissing me off now. I was all headfucked so we talked for 4 hours. He whined last night so I called him. I'm sick of him. He won't fuck off. He seems to think that I want him. Oh ya ok...the guy is so fucking hairy it makes me feel ill. I hate chest hair. I hate facial hair. And I hate pubic hair...on me and others. Why the fuck would I want some nasty fucking prat like him???? Better yet.....why the fuck would I want anyone but Jay? I mean seriously. When I am sleep deprived I get stupid, and want the odd person. But that is like the equivalent of me being drunk. But Aaron? Nope, never wanted him. I don't give a fuck if he wants me to dominate him. He can fuck off and choke on a cock. He's bi anyway, he'll like that. Nasty! Ewww! Yucky boy!

So ya, I am somewhat tame again. The mental stability is coming back slowly. I think by tonight I should be a normal human again. I'm gonna take a nap soon, so that should do it.

I don't like being a fucking hornball. I prefer to be in control of the situation, and my mouth. I like the calm, cool, and collected side of myself. How about we stick with that? Because fuck me have I made an ass of myself in the last few days. My apologies to those who came in contact with me recently. I literally lost mental stability on sunday night, and was well fucked up. I'm somewhat actimg my age now.

On a happier note (ish) I had a rather big email from Jay. She kinda put me in my place (grrrr) and sorted a few things out that had given me issues. That in itself has made me more stable.

I was thinking about confidence this morning, and how it affects me. Some ppl shoe confidence and it intimidates me. Some ppl show it and it intrigues me. Then there are some who show it, and it is a turn on. Then there is me. Confident in some things, and not others. But I definately have confidence in who and what I am. That made me think. Is the fact that I am comfortable in my own skin what draws people to me? Wether it be as friends, lovers, or even those who choose to hate me for no apparent reason? Hard to say. It just made me wonder this morning.

I discovered something nice last night. After days of hardcore sleep deprivation, flirting, and then getting downright turned on, I decided to masturbate. (hey it's my diary, I can say what I like)
So I settle into it, and start doing my thing. My mind starts to wander...as minds do. Well, I started playing with my thought processes. While I was going at it, I ran diff scenarios through my mind. Some almost runed the moment. Some were kinda good. But then I hit Jay in my mind, and pretty much instantly came. That was kickass. It comforted me in alot of ways. I was starting to feel bad thinking others could turn me on. And like most...ya there are scenarios that do trigger a physical response. But to know that Jay still gets me off harder and faster than anyone in this world. That is a comfort to me.

I wrote her a 14 k email last night. I put it all on the line. You see, I had emailed her saying that maybe we need to call shit off. I commented on pills, therapy, and her being all cold and shit. Well, I got a reply. She set me straight in alot of things I tell ya. For instance...thereapy. She did one session and said fuck this. (typical Jay) The pills.....she has only taken 2 and they did fuck all. As for me....her mind hasn't changed and she wants me. And finally being cold and distant....she is depressed because she is there. It has nothing to do with me, other than she isn't with me. Skit is hiding because he is scared of the whole situation (poor boy), and she said straight out that she won't be here for xmas. They won't even approach the subject, they just muttered something about January being better. So be it.

Now then, the lack of contact.....She has no money, and can't survive on the dole. So she has been stealing from her mom and selling the shit to live. I contacted buddy with the flogger, and postponed meeting him. I have decided the money is better off being wired to Jay so she can buy food. So, on monday I am gonna do just that to try to help her.

Desire is a strong emotion. It sometimes out "feels" love. But in the end, love lasts longer.

Oh ya! The rape feeling thing.....She went more in depth. She said it came out wrong. I have never made her feel raped from sex. It's the days when I am climbing the walls and she isn't. The pressure she feels kinda makes her feel like she used to. (mental note: STOP IT!)
And the bdsm thing...."no i'm not into the bdsm i am boring arsed vanilla, i like it quick, fun and funky and despite how much i feel like a bloke for saying that, it's the reality of the situation.". Okay...works for me. I don't like mixing it with a relationship anyway. It's almost unnerving. But I did email her back with the 14 k book, and in that I asked if she would let me top the odd person here and there. No guarantees I will, but I like to have the option. Just in case.

And then there is me. I actually ate soup last night. That was a positive. Of course I was talking to a sub and a switch at the time. So my mood was up. That always helps with the whole food thing. I just like to say I am on the gastric bypass diet. Lots of fluids, and food in miniscule amounts. It's cool though. My u/w is getting looser, and I am walking a shitload better. Which of course is boosting my sense of self worth, thus kicking my ego in. Chances are thats why I am getting hit on. I'm high and mighty right now.

Speaking of hit on....I actually got seriously creeped out this morning. I was in BA:1 bsing with Nikee, and one of the regs in the room, a guy named jeko, pops up and says "who is Ivy? Is she hot?". I immediately said "Ivy is not hot at all" Nikee pops up and says "Back off jeko, she doesn't do cock, and especially not your diseased one!". With that he backed off, and moved on. But that tripped me out hardcore. The guy is a solid reg. I have been going in there for a year now, and buddy has never said a word to me. He's one of those pricks that just call every chick a whore, and trashes them all. Him suddenly taking interest was not a nice thing.

Well, I'm gonna go nap for an hour before Satan gets home, and we start on the tree.

Fr�hliches fickend Weihnachten Sie Fotzen!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014