I discovered today, as the void in me is growing and the cold is seeping in, that "Piss it all away" by Puddle of Mudd eases me into a zen state of mind. My interior is a raging fire of pain and confusion, but externally I am calm, and mellow. It's odd how songs affect a person isn't it? I'll be sitting in the dark listening to this in a bit.

Well, Satan will be home soon, and I'm happy about it, but at the same time not. I had the t.v. on once for about 10 min all weekend. I have just been listening to music, and zoning out. If I am not laying in bed staring at the ceiling, I am pacing the apt, or online playing games and chatting. Hell, I have only spoken once this weekend too.

I love that. Not talking. Just not using your voice until you can't remember what it sounds like. As usual I am singing. Thats just a comfort thing though. No, I have managed to pretty much go all weekend silent. The first time I spoke was about an hour ago when I called my mom.

I gave my mom a rundown of my life/relationship bullshit. She's upset of course. I really don't know what I feel. Just pain. I'm gonna be single for quite some time now. I need to be. If I was to enter into anything with anyone it wouldn't be fair to them. But flirting is another matter. That shit is healthy. Everyone needs to be flirtacious, it aids in self esteem, and feelings of self worth. No, flirting I will do. It eases the pain slightly in short bursts.

No, todays random emotion is pain....possibly a lil regret. Regret for what I don't know. For what could have been? For the dreams I had? For the life that was? But then the memories of the reality of it come, and with them a wave of pain.

Making friends, and flirting is on my list of priorities right now. Domination is up there too, but that needs to be on hold right now. There is a time and place for everything, and everything takes time. I need trust to play, and that is something I suffer from having little of. No, things are starting to fall into place in my mind. I suppose 2 days of being trapped in ones own mind does that to them. My biggest thing right now, it ordering toys. I want a wooden paddle right now, a leather one as well. And I want a flogger. I think I am gonna get a heavy one first. They cause more pain. Purchasing gear is needed before play, so that's what I am working on. The cool thing, is that I am ordering from a man named Jules in Montreal. I know it's him by the pix of the floggers. I recognize his work. It just scares me that a guy who will inject saline into his body for fun, will be hand crafting my toys. oh well. To each his own I guess.

I'm not happy. Not sad. Not hyper. Not mellow. Infact I am devoid of pretty much anything right now. I just...am. I guess mentally I am analytical more than anything. But thats okay. I always am at this point. It's what helps me to understand live on this earth.

I am tired though. My 10am stint is catching up to me. Geez, I just realized I haven't eaten all day. Ah well, I'll choke down an orange. I have no apetite, and anyways my downstairs neighbour cooked a roast today, and the smell has flooded my apt. Anything else I ate would taste like shit. Hmmmm, maybe I'll upgrade to cereal? I dunno.

Well, that's me. I'm done.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014