5 hours of sleep last night. It's after 3am and I am sitting here praying for death. My mind is out to get me. Psychological insomnia is my curse. Alot of hardcore naked cuddling, and gentle caresses would be nice about now. Fuck am I lonely.

I know that it will take me a few months to sort my head out, and I'll be a wreck until then. But I mean, I'm alone for xmas.....is there anything worse? In the last 11 years I have been alone at xmas once, and at that time I was spending most of my time high so I didn't notice. This year is rough. I'm craving a release. Preferably sexual, but because that won't be happening anytime this decade my mind and body are craving drugs. What is with me being alone and wanting to get high? And where the fuck is yuri when I need him? hmmmm....maybe I should go knock on my neighbours door to see if they will share. Soooooo tempting. Someone please save me from myself.

Told my dad tonight that shit might be over. He looked like I just killed his puppy. Then the inevitable question came...."how were you guys when she left?" "we were tight, real tight I don't understand" "well, maybe she doesn't want to come back, and is done with you?" "I just don't know dad. I mean she says she wants to be here, but her actions say otherwise" "well, I hope she comes back. If they don't like her that much why don't they just get rid of her by sending her here" "They were, she wasted �680 by not getting on the flight, now they say she has to pay for it" "I don't know, I'm going home, too much negativity"

Wow! Thanks dad!

Fuck! Limbo is the worst place to be. I mean I have options. I always have options. Men seem to love me for whatever reason. Maybe it's the pussy licker thing? (*cough* hairball) But I am reluctant to pursue these other avenues without confirmation one way or another.

I suppose deep inside I want to get an email with a link to new flight itinerary. An email that says "I'm fucking coming, and you are in deep fucking shit bitch!". But who am I kidding? Her mom hates her, she hates me....hell I'll even join in...I hate me too. Or...I hate her mom...there we have a nice daisy chain of hatred going on now. Yay us! *sigh*

I have offered to call her on several occasions. I have even told her just to pick a time. I don't even remember what her voice sounds like. That is fucking scary. She is getting further and further away. I can barely feel her anymore. I fear suicide or a relapse. I think I fear the relapse more than a call telling me she offed herself. Atleast if she died the pain would stop for her, drugs will just make it worse. She is running. When she runs she is doing something bad. When she runs from me it's drug related. If she is doing drugs, then she will be dead to me. That being said, all this drug talk has me wanting to get high myself. Gotta love how I can be self righteous about her, and in the same moment want to get high myself. The diff is I take a couple of pulls, feel the buzz hit and stop. She goes OTT with pot. Smokes as much as she can for days on end. What do you expect? She is after all a recovering junkie....that is if she has avoided the brown still. I don't think she would go back to it though.

Fuck! It's too much!

I just want a submissive kneeling at my side so I can feel the closeness of another human, but don't have to listen to them. Lately my thoughts are of pampering a sub. Just straight up pampering. Feeding them, bathing them, and petting them. I love the feel of whipping a sub until I break them and the inevitable wave of tears comes, then holding them, and wiping away the tears. These are things I crave and miss.

I want to tie a sub to all 4 posts on my bed so they are open, but have them laying on their stomach, then whip their back, ass, and thighs with various different items. I want to see the welts raise, and the beautiful warm, red glow. I miss seeing them writhe when I pinch a welt, or slap an inner thigh.

I miss blindfolding, then raking my nails down the length of their body. I miss watching them squirm from wax being dripped on them....ever so close so it burns the skin.

I just miss the intimacy of it all. I want to see those tears, to take them away. To rebuild what was broken.

Sucks to be me. The sad thing is I crave torturing a female body. I just haven't done that enough. Men are always at the ready. But women are a challenge. CBT is easy, get them hard then say no. lol

Wow...deep thoughts at 4am. I need to lay off the koolaid I think.

Let's change the subject before I either slip off my chair leaving a slime trail behind me, or I start attempting to put my head through a wall here.

I was sitting here earlier, and started to play with my labret, I unscrewed the bead and sat back pretty fast. Fucking thing was well nasty and needed a clean. So while it was being cleaned, I decided to pop a ring in. I think I might leave this in for a day or 2. I'm not sure ye0t. We will see in the mornin. Usually sleeping with a ring in makes the piercing swell like a bitch. So, the black post came out, and a purple ring with a blue bead is in. Yay me. I just need another purple barbell for my bridge. Although, I could put my spikes in tomorrow. That will look odd as fuck, but maybe I miss being odd?

Got a problem with that, then tell it to my cat. It had 9 reasons as to why you should shut the fuck up, and it is prepared to split skin to prove it.

I think my highlight of tonight was a 2 and a half hour chat I had with Jade (yes I mentioned you here, aren't you special) I taught her pretty much the fundamentals of bdsm. It was cool the way she reacted when she realized it wasn't sick and twisted sex. lol

Hmmmm......My hair is getting long. The longer it gets the more of a turn on it is. I fucking wish my head was in someones lap and they were playing with my hair. I haven't been pampered in years. I always do the back tickling, and pampering. I never seem to get it. Okay, I need a sub to pamper me dammit! Fuck that would be nice. It would have to be a female one though, I don't fancy a cock in the eye while my head is in their lap. That would ruin the effect a bit I think.

Look at me. Rambling on again. Seems all I ever do anymore is babble about nothing. Perhaps I am ignoring the real issues, or I am just avoiding how fucking hot I am getting off of the thought of whipping someone to tears. *sigh*

Wow, an hour later and I have managed to say pretty much nothing.

Fuck, I'm crashing. It just started. Kill me.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014