Damn.

I'm having a really rough moment right now.

Jay got online for an hour tonight. I came on to an offline from her saying that she had to restart the comp. So, okay. I fired off a couple of replies, then sat and waited...

and waited...

and waited more.

Finally I get an email from her. She was asking me where I was, and going on about how she missed me, and where the hell was I. I sat here for 45 min online, visible on yahoo, waiting for her. When I saw the email, I just broke down. I haven't spoken to her in person since nov. 19th. I haven't chatted to her online since the 21st. Zero contact.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't handle living my life completely alone when I have someone saying that I am supposed to be her gf. I can't handle it anymore. To put it plainly, I am literally better off alone right now. Oh sure, I have my moments when I attempt to be positive, and I act like this was 2001 again, and things are fine. But they aren't, and it's 2004 not 2001.

I am alone, completely alone. I have gone the odd day with zero contact period. What's worse is she wants me to call her so we can chat on the phone. But to tell you the truth....what could I say? I sincerely have nothing to say right now. I am adjusting to life without her. I'm moving on with things. I'm moving on without her. I can't live my life in limbo.
Oh sure, it would be alot different if she was canadian. I could easily come up with the cash to fly her here. I could buy a plane ticket in 2 weeks if need be. But I can't come up with the almost $5000 it would cost to fly her here from the UK.

Why the fuck did I not hook up with a fucking Canadian?????

I dunno. I just can't deal with any of this. I am surrounded by ppl who are hitting on me, both online, and here. I have no idea where the hell they all came from, but they are around. It's real headfuck.

I just don't know what to do.

To quote The Clash: "do I stay or do I go"

It's moments like this that I wish I had a shrink again. Or my own personal advice columnist. Fuck any 3rd party observation would be nice.

Am I staying out of a fear of change? Am I staying out of love? Am I staying because I am an emotional masochist?

It is seriously fucking my head.

The worst part.......I wanna get laid so bad I am going mental. *sigh*

I kinda miss the old days sometimes. When I would call up one of the guys on my list and have a good round of 16 hour hardcore fucking.

Why the fuck can't I have a nekkid person chained to my bed right now? I mean is it too much to ask to have a lil bondage, and sexual torture? All these perverse ideas in my head, and no one to vent them on. "Oh what I wanna do to you"

I love playing with knives on flesh. Having that adrenaline rush hit them because they are bound, and don't know if I will press the blade harder, or just drag it across flesh.
I love slapping inner thighs to cause blood flow to the genitals. Thus enhancing the intensity of any feelings of pleasure until those feelings are almost unbearable.
I love the shock of ice on a body. Watching them writhe from the cold connecting. Oh...I don't put ice directly on flesh. Nope. I hold the ice in my hand and squeeze, thus melting it so it slowly drips. I love that.

But the best is playing like that when they are blindfolded. The shock of all of the above when you can feel it only, but can't see where it is gonna happen next.

But, all that said and done.....I'd be happy with just having someone sit on my face right now. There just ain't nothing like slapping an ass while it grinds into your face.

Fuck.

Well, no sex for me anytime soon. This sucks ass. I hate having fucking morals. A fuck friend would be nice right now. No strings attached, just a lil rough play. Fuck a relationship, I just need a lover/submissive/friend.

I really need a sexual power trip right now. If anything, to remind me that I'm not shite.

Cause fuck to I feel like a piece of shit right now. I feel ugly and boring.

If this is how I feel right now.....why the fuck am I staying?

It doesn't make sense.

Fuck it.

Atleast I have neopets and Koolaid.

hmmmm.....I think little bit o' masturbation is in order.....but I'd rather be a sadist.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014