He he....that was my battle cry.

Impressive huh?

My indian name is "Cooks with a spatula" lol

Ok....so.....ya......hmmmmmm... Where to begin?

I senf Jay an extremely long email the other day. It was a reply to one from her in which she stated we were on diff levels love wise, and she wished we could just be 50-50 in everything.
Well...I pointed out that she won't know the extent of my love becaue I am guarded from lies and bullshit in the past. I also pointed out how we aren't 50-50 because of her, not me. She wants and wants but offers nothng in return. She sat back, thought about it hard, and agreed.

We have a breakthrough!

Ok lol....not that big of one to some ppl, but for Jay this is a major thing. You know....iut's the british thing.

Now the email I sent her eas a full breakdown about how I fell for her when she was the 18 yr old guy I met online who was always getting into shit, and doing stupid things. I literally picked that guy apart, and pointed out everything that I loved about him. Some days I can't help but wonder if she would have stayed like him had she gone through with the GRS. Oh well, we'll never know.
But she saw what I was saying, said she wished she could have stayed like that too, and pointed out why she feels she changed. I agreed with it all.

I think she was right on her dad dying. He was the major abuser, the one who would beat her unconscious on a whim, and lock her in the bad room (a cellar) for weeks at a time. When he died her discipline stopped, and she went wild.

I agree on the kids coming out. The memories and shit have been fucking her up. But 4 years of constant extreme memories will do that to a person. Her hope for some form of levelling out from integration is a very plausible thing.

And finally, I agree with her doing drugs in Oct.2003. That was a really major drug binge for her. The only one since detox, and she has been mean and almost abusive since. She was so fucked when she came here after that, I literally had to ask one of the kids to take her memories of it because she was freaking and looking to go buy. Luckily the kids are up for helping me out in those situations. But, after the drugs, she has been a diff person. More cold and aloof. She slipped to a diff level herself. Geez, I wonder why I am anti drug now, when I used to do them in 2000 before she came. Goddess knows I could really use a fucking joint right now!

So ya, the talking has begun. It just hurts that the future is so unsure.

But I have to say this right now......My hair is getting long, and I think I am gonna attempt to bleach the fuck out of it so I can dye it blue again. I'm not sure though. I haven't quite decided yet.

Geez, me with blue hair again. I think Jay would swim the Atlantic just to hump my leg. lol

hmmmmm now there's a thought.

Why the hell didn't I fall for a Canadian? That would have made life so much easier.

I've been in a big masochistic mode lately. I want my hair pulled, and to be forced to do sexual things. Sometimes even a proper domme gets a taste for the bottom. Right now I want violent, angry sex. I guess in a way thats kinda why I end up missing my ex sometimes. If I went into this mode, he would fuck me up. His hands were so big that one hand could hold both of my wrists. And my hands would explode in broken blood vessels that caused blood blisters. It was great. I would be bruised broken and exhausted. Hell, I got him to whip me with a chain once, that was sheer exstacy to me at the time. I had a back full of bruises, and parts bleeding where my skin split. It hurt for a week, but damn did it make sex good. Gotta love that little bit of pain to enhance pleasure.
Don't get me wrong, I was born a domme, and will die a domme. But sometimes you just want to let go and get abused for fun. Jay is way too loving to do that shit to me. She worries about hurting me. She doesn't realize that back in 2002 when we used to have violent fights and she would just keep hitting me, and bruising me up.....I got off on it. I don't get this way alot, but when I do I get out of control with it. hmmmm....maybe I'll pull out my cat this weekend and see if it really will split skin. After all, why cut when you can do the same damage with a whip?

Ugh! I fucking hate how my mind swirls through shit constantly. I need a fucking male on the side that is no threat to Jay. One that can beat the fuck out of me once in awhile. But, that will never happen. There will never be a male that Jay will be ok with. So, that's a thought better to be dropped before started. I couldn't have 24/7 crap like that. My dominant nature maybe craves a good whipping once a year...maybe 2. So it's very rare, but when it hits, it hits hard. Grrrrrr!

So ya, I've had "Loser" by 3 doors down playing on my diary for a while now. Oddly enough it is up because I am a loser. No this isn't some cry for attention bullshit, or me saying "poor me". Fuck that! No, I am just stating a fact here. Technically I could have hundreds of friends, and be going out every weekend and living it up. But I am an antisocial freak. I hate ppl, and just enjoy my own company, sometimes I can handle 1 other person. Well, with the exception of whoever I am with. I have always had patience for the person I am in a relationship with. But others I just can't be bothered with.
I'll sit at my comp, and chat to ppl for a while, then I just get fed up and shut it all down. I enjoy going full weekends not speaking at all. The only thing I do is type. I have an odd comfort in silence. Although the ppl I know in person will go on about how I never shut up. lol I am a woman of extremes, and thats how I like it dammit! You always know where you stand when a person is black and white. No bullshit guessing games here thanks. I hate that shit.

Hmmmmm....the only thing I hate about living so far north is that at 2:30pm it started to get a lil dark out. But in summer it never gets completely dark. I couldn't imagine what it is like in NWT that shit is fucked up.

I'm hoping to get to my moms place possibly next weekend. I want to weigh myself. After I fucked my knee, I ballooned up to a hefty 280. That was fucking hell. I couldn't fit my jeans at all, and I had probs walking even without my bad knee. Fucking MS legs are weak, and the weight tires the muscles almost immediately. But right now my jeans are getting loose, and I spend alot of time on my feet doing shit. I have cheekbones again, and am feeling kinda good. Don't get me wrong here, I am no small fat chick. I was wearing 32 waist jeans that were baggy, and had an almost flat stomach before I got preg with satan, I weighed 170 then. I am almost solid muscle. I'm probably the only fat chick with a firm ass. lol I'm a Ukrainian Ox! LOL
So needless to say, I want to see what I lost, because I feel pretty good, and have energy and shit. My knee is still fucked up, but I'm ignoring it now. I just adapted to it. As time goes on it is getting a bit stronger anyway. I just have water retention in my right leg from my knee injury. I need to get me some Reiki to release that shit. I'm gonna have to stop with the bullshit excuses and actually get it already. That alone will drop about 15 pounds.

Well, I think that's about it for now. I've gone on enough.

Satan is gonna be home soon, and I have cleaning to do.

Cooks with a spatula is off!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014