This diary is living documentation of my relationship with Jay. The ups and downs, truth and lies I was told, pleasure and pain. All of it is in here....well, most of it.

Today was supposed to be mine and Jays anniversary. 4 years and 10 months. Every ounce of my happiness was sunk into today. Every drop of sanity. Hopes, fears, mental stability....it was all put into the sheer joy of seeing her again. For just being in her presence is enough to calm me, and make me feel loved. But right now, all I care about is the blood.

I am nervous about injecting. Scared to fucking death. I could shrug it off and make it fun because I knew she was going to be here to support me. I knew she cared, and was planning on being here for me to help me deal with it.

You know, for the most part I trash ppl that are suicidal. But right now, I don't care. It seems like the nivcest option I have right now. I have nothing else to look forward to. My life will never go anywhere. Fuck, I can't walk, cand get off, and can't offer anything to anyone. I have no friends, no want to know ppl. The only person I have left right now is my son. But one day I will resent him. He is the reason why I am not dead on the floor of my bathroom right now.

"To sleep, perchance to dream"

Confused yet?

I'll explain it in one simple way.......

"
Amber,

I can't really explain what is going on in my head, but i need time to figure myself out. i fought alot this morning with my decision and it hurt so much but i just can't come to you. it wouldn't be right, i can't give you what you want, i can't be committed if all i'm going to do is lie and make your life miserable because of my exsistance, because it will always be the same. i will never change, i will be a fucking bum. yes, i have cold feet, cold feet in giving you a future, i think you deserve so much better then what i can offer you.

i'm really screwed up right now, i just need to figure this all out, i need to know it's ok. i'm just so scared. i feel as if my life is at a crossroads right now and i'm being pushed and pulled in every direction. i don't want you to cry, please-don't. i just need you to sit back, take hold and just let me sort this out. my mum is going to email you, and i thought you atleast deserved an explanation. i'm so sorry for all this bullshit i have caused, i don't think i can feel any worse then i already do.

no, i;m not running.

i don't want to mess with your head.

god you have no idea what i'm going thru.

i'm sorry.".

Well.........ya

I can explain away lies. I can explain away drug use, I can explain away almost anything. But I can't explain away simple rejection. In the moment it took for me to read that email, and then the other 5 times I re-read it praying for it to be a misunderstang, that I was confused when reading it, and it wasn't real....in that moment my heart broke.

At this moment in time, I am wishing I had a shrink again. I am crashing, and crashing hard. Every part of me knows she has done drugs out there, and that is what this is about. That I could have forgave...but not this.

Ppl get one chance with me. I have serious issues with rejection. This is pure, unadulterated rejection in it's finest form. Mentally she has just slid into the category that my ex's are in. I hurt so bad right now. I just don't care about anything anymore.

I think I am gonna unlock. But the oter side of me wants to remover her pass to my diary, and walk away.

In 1996 I knew that I was destimed to be alone. That I was to struggle through live, and eventually die alone. As I sit here alone, knowing I will be remaining this way, I am beginning to think I should just accept this, and move on with what life I do have.

EVERYTHING was sunk into today. Into her arrival. Into feeling her hug me again.

She broke my heart.

I want to die.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014