Well, I finally cracked. I cried little bits here and there.

Then my dad called.

I fucking lost it. I just can't stop. I pretty much told him everything. The only thing he doesn't know is her mpd. He now knows her mom is infact alive, and that it was my choice not to correct the info he was originally given. He knows the basis of every lie she has ever told me, and why she did it. He actually told me that he can understand why she did lie. That it makes sense. That made me cry harder, hell typing it is making me. He suprises me constantly by his understanding.

He was told the basis behind her abuse, just nothing sexual, that she was a child from a diff woman, that her dad resented her for existing, and her mom resents her for being a constant reminder of the fact he was with this other woman. He was told that she didn't know what love was before me, and that when she is out there she is treated like a burden, or like she doesn't exist. He just knows it all, and accepts it all. He told me that he is taking me out for lunch tomorrow because I sounded like I desperately need a hug. He just understands that she grew up in a loveless environment, and that when she goes back now it messes her head up because she gets used to love here. I told him she was scared of hurting me, and explained to him that last time she arrived here she had a nervous breakdown. I told him I ended up crying, but it was because she was talking about killing herself. I even told him that she was 100% devoted to me, and had me up on a pedistal because I actually love her, and show her love. I told him in the beginning she had a hard time believing me when I said I loved her. He said he understood that completely.

You see...my dad was an accident. He wasn't planned. My grandmother wanted a girl more than anything. The day he was born, she heard he was a boy, and she cried. He grew up treated like shit too. I know he has understanding, but with a history like we have where I was always a lazy piece of shit, well...you just stop talking about shit with him.

He wants me to email her for him. He wants me to give her a message. I am gonna do that after this. This is fucking killing me! I would rather she be here in person, and have her hospitalize me with a baseball bat than choose to stay out there to "save me" from pain. This hurts more.

I am seriously struggling with cutting right now. I mean, I am fucking numb as fuck, I could hack a leg off and not feel it. Thats a good thing, and a bad thing. Good because if I cut I feel nothing, just shock, and give up in disappointment. But it is bad because I can go deeper, and do more damage to myself.

For the time being though, I have chosen Anorexia. I have koolaid, and vitamins. That will keep me alive. I just don't care. I'll eat with my dad tomorrow, but thats about it. When I feel the hunger pangs, and get lightheaded it reminds me I am alive. Much like pain does to those who cut. It's my only option right now. of course 20mg of Ativan will easily stop my heart as well, but I always think of my son. I need to feel pain, but stay alive for Satan.

FUCK!

Will there ever be an escape for me?
Will I ever not feel rejection?
Will I ever be allowed to be happy?

I just can't do this anymore.

Oh and what's the message my dad wants me to give?

"Make sure you are here before xmas so we can all go out and look at lights together".

That hurts. The sincere innocence behind the sentiment.

My family accepts her for who she is. I just wish she accepted me for the person I was, and had faith in my strength.

Well, I'm gonna go email her the message now.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014