Hmmmmm....

It seems my mental stability has decided to take a break. I've slipped into a frame of mind where I just don't feel like talking to anyone, or doing anything. My body is retaliating againt all the shit I have put it through. I am numb and in pain from the waist down again. It's misery when you can't piss because you can't loosen the muscles to do it, and you feel like you are sitting on a rock because your cunt and ass are completely devoid of feeling. The numbness in my legs makes my skin ache like I have windburn or frostbite. So, yet again, I sleep without rest. I slept for 9 and a half hoirs last night, then I had to nap for another 3 and a half this morning/afternoon. Of course my right leg has seized up in a continuous spasm. It's like my right leg suddenly wants to do an impression of fibro myalgia or something.I step down, my toes curl under. Oh yay, I have been walking on the tips of the toes on my right foot for almost a week. My index toe had built up a callous, and thus split open. I am well pissed about that. I am stretching several times a day, but it just won't loosen up. Fucking MS.

Of course all of this has made me bitter. Hell ya. So ppl and their nonconsequential problems have managed to piss me off instantly. I just end up wanting to kill them. These fuckers are in so much pain huh? Ya, fuck whatever. I'll show the cunts real pain. Ya, I'm not a nice person. I never claimed to be. I get through life on sarcasm, and laugh at other ppls expense. I just have no love for the world I live in, or the ppl in it. I love my son, and even though she pisses me off all the time, I love Jay. I love my dad, I just don't like alot of the shit he pulls. And I hate my mom. Oh yes....hate is a strong word, and I loved her telling me to my face when I was 14 that she hated me, and loved my brother more. That my dad wanted me, not her. I remember all the times her fist connected with my head. No...it wasn't a slap, it was a closed fist after she jumped ontop of me. The only reason she won't lift a hand to me now, is because I am stronger than her. The last time she did it was '99. I brought my feet upto her stomach, and launched her off of me, across my room, and she landed outside my door. I couldn't hit her. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. She locked herself in her room for 2 days after that. Then I got a note on my bed from her. I still have the thing I think. Jay has seen it. The entire note is how I win, that I make her look like the bad guy all of the time, that I am selfish....and so on. Not once did it say sorry.
I was always a daddy's girl. I didn'y give a fuck about her, I wanted my dad. I hated her for not letting me live with him. She told me that they gave my brother and I a choice and we chose her. I asked my dad a few years ago, he said she wouldn't consider asking us, she said he couldn't have us, and she fought him hard. I needed to be with my dad. I look back and realize I wouldn't be such a fuck up if I had been with him. I would have a degree in something, and be working in that line of work. I would have been able to handle life. Never would have spent so much time on the street, and sure as fuck never would have slipped into alcoholism. No, I hate her. Truly and completely. She ruined everything I could have been. Be it mentally, physically, or emotionally. She destroyed me.
To this day I still have the crystal clear image of the day her drunk indian bf came rushing in the house, and punched my dad in the face infront of me. My dad was being hurt is all I could think. My brother stood behind my dad, I stood infront of him. My dad never stood up once. Being a trained veteran police officer, he knew he could drop him. He also knew that shit would have escalated had he arose. So he sat until my mom got him to leave. I remember my brother and I crying, and my mom screaming "look what you are doing to them!". I remember my dad keeping an eye on him, but looking bored. I remember when my mom got the guy out the door, I was the one who called 911. I remember crying because I didn't know what to say to them when I dialed, and my dad took the phone from me. I remember going home with my dad that night, and never wanting to go back home again.

That was the first time, and only time violence has been mixed with my dad. He never raised a hand to my mom, he would yell, but from across the room. She threw shit at him, hit him, and freaked on him all the time. Funny how after 2 failed marriages she is living alone, and has pretty much no friends. She has alienated my brother and I, and backstabs us both to eachother. I admit I have no friends, but it is my choice. I don't need bullshit, so I leave it to the 30+ ppl I chat with on the net. I can easily make friends. I have 2 that I could easily get back in my life. But I just don't need the frustration and stress invlved in hearing problems I deem as insignificant. It takes living with a multiple to see the world through realitys eyes. I saw reality for years, but I also had compassion for ppl who were hurting, once you taste the reality of a multiple...then and only then, can you see exactly how stupid and selfcentred ppl are. I don't care if he dumped you and is now with another girl. I don't care if she turned you down. I don't care if you want the guy at work. And I sure as fuck don't care if your vanilla sex was bad. That my dears is why there are 4 ppl who have a pass to this diary. All of which are multiples. I just want real ppl around me. Ppl that if they read through my diary and shit looks like lies, or is really confusing, they can see it for what it is. A bullshit story told to me by Jay when she was at home because she was scared to tell me negative shit for fear of losing me. Or a story told to me here by an alter who was trying to impress me in some way. I am a black and white person who learned what grey is. Grey is alters. There are no set rules for them. They are who they were made to be from whatever memory needed to be hidden. They are wonderful ppl even if they are shitheads. I love every alter in Jays system, even the ones who have attacked me, or as the case may be, chased me down the street with a baseball bat. lol

Atleast they are real. Not some fake fucking whiny cunt who has lived a sheltered life. I guess in the end I feel no need to have friends because when Jay is here I have a house full of alters that I hang with. Some ppl would say that was like living in a fantasy world, and that I needed others, but I see what all others don't. I am on the outside. Every individual alter is a separate person in my eyes. And every one of them has a connection to me in some way. Others go out to hang with friends, I just call them out to hang with me. No bullshit travel needed. lol

Ya I know, this entire rant of an entry is just rpetition of every other entry I have done in the past. But every now and then frustration hits and I need to vent my shit.

I still haven't talked to Jay. It's been days. She was online this morning. I walked in the room 1 min after her last message to me. But she was gone. She is always gone.She'll pop up in about 2 hours maybe, speak to me for a few, then be gone again. I'm a bit bitter towards her. She goes on in emails about being out of the loop, and what have I been upto? Funny thing is. I sit at my comp, clean, or sleep. She is always out and about. She tells me nothing, never gets online, then says I am keeping her in the dark. *cough* Oh ya? From what?

That shit is annoying me. I have too much shit on my mind for all of this. I am waiting for the call from the pharmacist saying my needles are waiting for me, and that it is time for me to pick them up. As soon as I have them, I call the drug company, and they send a nurse here to teach me how to shoot up. Thats gonna be fun. I don't like to see it as an injection. I prefer the term "shooting up" it makes it sound more fun. Like I am doing it for pleasure, not to maintain the level of disability I have. Ah well, call me a junkie, it will make me happy. lol

Well, I better stop. This was the second edition of shit on my mind. I am sure there will be more as the layers of the onion peel back.

I think I am gonna call Teresa in Fox Creek. I mis the bitch. lol

I'm off!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014